tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60554519308614661162024-03-08T11:18:39.621-06:00Los PorchsA study in parenting, marriage, and life.Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.comBlogger487125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-24403148768192694742021-10-25T13:13:00.003-05:002021-10-25T13:13:32.549-05:00Changing of the Seasons<p>We are approaching the one-year anniversary of when Ryan completed suicide. It brings a lot of emotions and feelings and memories and honestly - exhaustion. I have spent the last year in therapy digging myself out of a lot of those feelings and learning how to be Danie and not Porch and Danie. There have been a lot (!) of tears, a lot of me yelling at Ryan, cursing his name for leaving me to parent alone, a lot of wondering what comes next for the girl gang, a lot of rebuilding.</p><p>But we're here. I'm here. And arguably stronger than ever (though not physically - listen, I eat my feelings and will work on that side of things later -- DO NOT SEND ME MLM BS ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT). I am much more aware of myself and the girls and more emotionally present than I've ever been. Those girls have been my light through some really dark shit.</p><p>The seasons are changing. We are almost through our season of "firsts." And if you know, you know. If you don't, you're quite fortunate. </p><p>This next season though is going to be all about us and our growth and starting new traditions. Of being free and light and open to so much. The bubble is slowly fading and we're ready for it! The holidays have always been my favorite and last year, I did what was necessary to make sure the kids were alright. But this year? Mother fuckin' joy, baby! I'm here for it. I've got it. I'm sharin' it. So much love and joy up in this house!</p><p>I make bucket lists because I love having the hope and the thinking of "I dunno, what do you wanna do" already done. Here's what I wanna do. I'm ready. Ask me! :)</p><p>I am so profoundly thankful for the tribe that has held the bubble for us. But I'm also thankful for the folks who respected the bubble. For not asking questions that might be hurtful or harmful. The girls and I have been through some dark and trying times and I truly appreciate everyone. Either for being here for us or for staying away. </p><p>The girl gang is ready.</p><p>We're here for it.</p><p>CHRISTMAS TREES IN EVERY ROOM!</p><p>xo</p><p>Danie</p>Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-2528978142641607922021-10-20T09:11:00.003-05:002021-10-20T09:11:47.940-05:00It is not 1950; I do not vacuum in pearls.<p>Hi, it's me - I know it's been a while, but I've been deep inside that bubble I mentioned when everything first happened in November 2020 and I am starting to emerge having done some serious healing and navigating within the trauma of being a suicide survivor and a sole parent.</p><p>This has nothing to do with that though.</p><p>I'm dumping this thought here because I need it documented:</p><p>You know how the conservative crowd tends to use "Well I don't have any children, why should I help pay for the schools?" and "People are just too lazy to work, I don't know why we need social services to help people pay for their child care and food?"</p><p>I'm noticing those are the same voices I hear in restaurants complaining that there are no servers. No bartenders. No one available to change their oil or to do other trade work. And no one to watch their children. </p><p>The CEO of the company I work for posted a big response about how child care is the gatekeeper to folks getting back to work and helping to lift the economy back up. What if child care didn't cost your entire paycheck? What if - I know this is crazy - we as a country identified that almost no one can go to work without someone to help raise the children? This isn't the 1950's. Moms aren't always at home, cleaning and cooking all day and able to pick up the children and have cookies on the table after school and dinner ready at 5:00 while the father is working at a corporate job, making enough to support their family. This is 2021 and living wages are so low that mom and dad both have to work (sometimes more than one job each) and families with only one parent? Um yeah, you can see where this is going. Child care should be subsidized for EVERYONE. If you want to have a nanny or you are able to stay at home, great. Do that if it's best for your family. But we need to overhaul this entire system of care if we are going to move forward. It won't be enough to get back to "normal" because normal wasn't working. People now have options for work as there are so many vacancies.</p><p>"If people want a job, why don't they just get one? Everyone is hiring!!"</p><p>Yep, lots of folks are hiring - but some with no benefits and at low wages that cannot possibly support the cost of child care. So many have found workarounds to make things work for their family. And let's not gloss over the loss of life - the United States has lost over 700 THOUSAND lives to the COVID pandemic and that's just the cases that were directly attributed - don't forget that everyone was ranting about "the toll of having to stay home" and the increase in domestic violence and suicide. The people aren't here. There are vacancies because THE PEOPLE AREN'T ALIVE.</p><p>We need to do better for our children so that they can one day say we rebuilt our nation to make it better. To make it inclusive and successful. If we are going to make claims that we are the best nation, we better get our poop in a group and do it.</p><p>Cheers to change - and to me being back on my soap box. </p><p>I'll share more updates on our family life soon.</p><p>xo</p><p>Danie</p>Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-18647119115141827292020-12-10T13:11:00.001-06:002020-12-10T13:11:23.844-06:00I've been drowning in an ocean...<p>Everyone knows by now in our social circle and no one else really "cares" or "needs to know" but I feel like I still need this outlet because the one person I used to be able to talk things through with is no longer here. Porch passed away on November 6th and left a hole in our hearts and in our daily lives. The girls and I are doing the best we can to figure it out and find some kind, any kind of peace. </p><p>This feels ramble-y already but like I said, I have no one to sit on the couch with at night and chat with so... if you make it through this, I'm sorry.</p><p>Suicide is such a bitch.</p><p>I get it - I get mental health and will forever sing the praises for taking care of ones mental health and advocate for taking the steps (medication, therapy, etc) to live a healthy life. But I also get that sometimes, our demons cripple us. In a way that we just can't come back from. I have been describing this to C as daddy's brain being so sick that it couldn't hear his heart shouting how much we all loved him - his brain told him that he was too sad and too troubled to stay here with us. Ever had that kind of "chat" with a six-year-old? 0 stars.</p><p>Meanwhile, V is wandering the house calling for him. She refuses to let me leave her line of sight while we're together and if I do dip into the bathroom or to the laundry room, she cries like I too have left her. So that's where we're at in the processing and grieving arena. </p><p>I am doing the things. I am waking up every morning and taking my own medication so that I can continue to be here for the girls. I do the things that I have to so we can survive and someday get to that thriving part again. My parents have been incredibly helpful, coming over to help often.</p><p>But the part that <b>hurts</b> the heart the most?</p><p>The silence. </p><p>If you knew Porch, you know it was never quiet. His laugh could fill the room; his drinking voice (if you know, you know) could fill a HOUSE. Now when I get the girls to sleep at night, there is no one to tell me about an article he read, a show he thinks I would like, or to make me an old fashioned (to make the show he thought I would like more tolerable). After 13 years of being together constantly - there is a void. And damn is it a big one. I hate that I didn't get to say goodbye. That I couldn't save him from himself. It makes me feel like a failure in so many ways; I failed him, I failed our girls, and I failed our families. I'm watching the ripple of destruction/disruption and feeling some big feelings about it.</p><p>I randomly started crying in a Target this week as I realized when I got home, my mom would be there, not Porch. That he would never again tease me for seeking sanity via a solo Target run.</p><p>I'm showing up. </p><p>I won't leave my babies.</p><p>But damn. It's hard. So hard. Arguably the hardest thing I've ever done or will do in my life. And everyday, there's some new, fucked up way that it hurts.</p><p>xo</p><p>Mama Porch</p>Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-73027990553630980892020-04-27T12:58:00.000-05:002020-04-27T12:58:52.114-05:00Like maternity leave... BUT SO MUCH HARDER!<br />
<br />
When I was home with the girls, it was so so SO hard to have the two of them, wanting to give them both attention and keep a schedule together for C while I figured out V's rhythms. But at least we could go to the park to burn energy or to the zoo to have an adventure. It was hard, but we weren't isolated.<br />
<br />
My heart feels so much for the new mamas who find themselves in isolation, trying to figure it out without their complete support system and supportive environment. We love our family walks, but it's not the same as going over to nana and papa's for a pool date or going up to the cabin for a change of scenery.<br />
<br />
Instead, we are in a loop of days that look similar (which I guess is a good thing, we're developing new rhythms) to the point where they are all blended together. I no longer measure the passing of time by the work/home days but more so by if I'm getting a Class DoJo notification to have C work on homework. I've given myself the grace to accept that watching YouTube videos is fine. We can do both. And she loves Science Max videos on YouTube (highly recommend). The less emphasis I put on it, the less of a situation we have when I try to get her to do other things.<br />
<br />
V is growing like a weed. She now sits at the table for meals and eats little bits of whatever we're having (last night she had salmon, couscous, roasted cauliflower, and blueberries). She has settled into a more predictable rhythm for her rest times and bedtime. She is the happiest baby and I love watching her play with C and Porch. Her giggle is everything. :)<br />
<br />
Sourdough starter is chugging along, trying to figure out the rhythms that go along with that - haven't made a loaf yet but used the discard for some biscuits. Baby steps!<br />
<br />
In short, these are hard times and it's okay to find a rhythm and have to adapt. I'm thankful to be quarantined with my squad because as introverted as I am, I think I would crack if I were alone. Especially if I were alone with a new baby. Be so gentle with yourselves, friends. There are brighter days ahead and if we can stay home now, we can all get together later!<br />
<br />
xo<br />
<br />
<br />Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-60558909602833533022020-04-17T15:24:00.000-05:002020-04-17T15:29:43.029-05:00Day... 5?Facebook Messenger video chat is my new favorite way to send my child off into another room as she plays with filters and has a virtual playdate while I either nurse the baby down or work on grading homework. It's nothing short of magical.<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Kindergarten show & tell via Zoom is painful. Best enjoyed from another room.</li>
<li>Violet's front tooth is comin' on down as the next contestant! It's broken the skin and on it's way down. Sad news though, the bottom two on the other side of the jack-o-lantern teeth (guys, i am admittedly not a dental professional) are ready to pop. ibuprofen is a big staple in our home and i am so glad i stocked up before being quarantined.</li>
<li>cocktail hour started early today - 1:45pm</li>
<li>charlie received a giant art kit and drawing paper from memaw & christi</li>
<li>got a refund check for the portion of the cheerleading class that charlie is signed up for this season (they canceled the remainder). she didn't attend a single session so i'll gladly take the $16.80 and apply it to something else</li>
<li>paid off a big ass debt today and it felt legit amazing - i can't wait to be done with all of the debt (student loans, lookin' at you)</li>
<li>we're hoping to order a local fish fry tonight and pick up a growler from the restaurant. we don't <i>need</i> to, we have plenty of groceries (and so much t i m e), but we want to do our part to support the neighborhood. </li>
<li>finished my last online class last night and now just have online grading and participation to support. there are no more gatherings :) </li>
<ul>
<li>I absolutely loved hearing them say they are excited to see me in their next courses!!!</li>
<ul>
<li>they love me, they really love me!</li>
</ul>
</ul>
</ul>
Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-47979395340836794842020-04-15T15:53:00.000-05:002020-04-17T15:18:13.260-05:00Day 3yesterday i neglected to mention that violet is teething like crazy and as a result, her sleep has been a touch needier than usual. just one look at those gums and i can't help but feel that i would do literally anything to make it suck less.<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>alexa is probably sick of hearing charlie's requests (i know i am)</li>
<li>charlie must be going through a growth spurt, right? why else would she suddenly be such a heathen that i literally do not recognize? yes, it's a pandemic and her life is weird, but this has been a whole new level of extra that i no longer consider appropriate. </li>
</ul>
Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-52746945438184587512020-04-14T15:49:00.002-05:002020-04-14T15:50:20.120-05:00Day 2 (The One Where Cocktail Hour Started Early)<span style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; font-family: , , , ".sfnstext-regular" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Day 2 of Danie's Quarantine:</span><br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; font-family: , , , ".sfnstext-regular" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">after charlie's 39th meltdown over not getting to use technology until homework is done, cocktail hour started at 3:30pm. </span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; font-family: , , , ".sfnstext-regular" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">today i discovered how much violet loves the "10 little ladybugs" book</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; font-family: , , , ".sfnstext-regular" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">i showered and put on clothes that weren't pajamas but did not wash my hair (i mean, really).</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; font-family: , , , ".sfnstext-regular" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">charlie & i baked the friendship bread that she got as a starter from a friend at school after a few days of taking care of the starter. charlie approves and thinks its delicious. i still have a bag of the starter if anyone wants in on this.</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; font-family: , , , ".sfnstext-regular" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">feeding charlie every 2-3 hours seems key to avoiding the hangry meltdown, but the big feelings still came through this afternoon (see above).</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; font-family: , , , ".sfnstext-regular" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">nana and papa sent over a painting activity that charlie really got into - she loved mixing the colors</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; font-family: , , , ".sfnstext-regular" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">violet had her first pretzel rod & loved it, except for that first hit of salt she got -- wasn't a fan!</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; font-family: , , , ".sfnstext-regular" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">violet took a kick-ass 2-hour nap this afternoon after waking up at 7ish. hoping to get her into a good schedule for sleep because admittedly, her school naps were roughly 30 minutes or the equivalent of a super long blink.</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; color: #1c1e21; font-family: , , , ".sfnstext-regular" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;">i miss work & the break from parenting; i am not a stay at home mom, even though i still think that sounds like a great thing and know the benefits of being home with my children, i simply cannot. it's day 2 and i'm already feeling like i'm on maternity leave day #573. send wine. jk. send brandy (korbel) - it's an old fashioned kinda night!</span></li>
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<span style="color: #1c1e21; font-family: , , , , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>I'm in self-quarantine because I had a few symptoms and the Dept of Health thought it best to go ahead with a 7-day self-quarantine just to be abundantly cautious; if my symptoms worsen, I am to contact my doctor for testing/additional treatment. So far, I've been just fine. I have a great <strike>bartender</strike> husband and kids who (for the most part) sleep well. </i></span></span></div>
Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-20593291513286340202020-01-03T18:51:00.002-06:002021-10-20T13:05:39.018-05:00Parenting 2: A PortraitI just locked myself in my bedroom on a Friday night to pay bills in silence, if you're wondering how it's going over here. While we are most often doing swimmingly, there are moments of disbelief and frustration that result in a responsible adult making the decision to walk away slowly.<br />
<br />
C: I'm going to eat this plastic bag.<br />
R: Don't.<br />
C: I'm going to! I'm going to eat this plastic bag!<br />
D: Well, just so you know, if you <i>do</i> eat a plastic bag, you will probably choke and we'd most likely have to take you to the hospital where they <i>may</i> need to <i>cut</i> open your throat. And that just doesn't sound like a fun Friday. So how about you put the bag where it goes and I would love to play Monopoly Junior with you after dinner! And I'm sure daddy would like to join u--<br />
C: No.<br />
D: What?<br />
C: He'll say no.<br />
D: How do you know that?<br />
C: I just do (she twirls out of the dining room and into the kitchen, still holding the aforementioned god damn plastic bag).<br />
D: But you haven't asked him yet...<br />
C: I've asked him for like 240 years.<br />
R: You just got that game for Christmas and the two times you've played it, I've played too. You beat me both times.<br />
<br />
I should mention that it was as I was asking how she could possibly know that Ryan wouldn't want to play that I was actually sliding up the stairs and into the bedroom (it's the only upstairs room with a lock). I took a deep, cleansing breath and took out my laptop to be fiscally responsible and pay my bills (hey, new year, new me, blah blah blah).<br />
<br />
Shit.<br />
<br />
I left the notebook that I use to budget downstairs and have to sneak back into the lion's den to grab it and hopefully get back up without being noticed. Fail. Just epic fail.<br />
<br />
The moment is gone, she's back downstairs doing something else and I am reminding myself that someday, she won't want to be by me at all and I will, in fact, miss our discussions and her tiny person logic and inability to grasp time concepts.<br />
<br />
So now I'll pay my bills and then jump right back into our chaos because it is beautiful and it is ours and there's nowhere else I'd rather be or anyone else I'd rather lose miserably to in Monopoly Junior on a Friday night.<br />
<br />
But there will be wine.<br />
<br />Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-49400566195323555192019-09-13T09:06:00.000-05:002019-09-13T09:06:08.045-05:00Digging inLife as the parent of two tiny humans is a crazy kind of beautiful chaos that I am still learning to manage, for sure. However, every day, I am hit with a moment of pause in which I cannot believe that this is my life - that these two people call me mama and I get to have such a positive impact on their lives.<br />
<br />
Because it just wouldn't be me if I wasn't busy trying new things, I have taken on a new adventure (part-time) as an adjunct instructor at a local university teaching a course for the administrator credential for early childhood. I am presently attempting to put together a syllabus and organize the online course as we start Monday! MONDAY!<br />
<br />
So excited to start this new adventure & be a positive role model for my girl!<br /><br />
xo<br />
DanieCrabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-80679770349045362622019-05-27T11:46:00.001-05:002019-05-27T11:46:22.791-05:00i have like 3 shirts that still fit.It's a great feeling when nothing fits and the ol' baby bump just kinda hangs out of my shirts. Guess it's going to be dresses to work for me from here on out... c'mon little sister!!Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-88496885485060244632019-05-26T22:52:00.000-05:002019-05-26T22:52:11.699-05:0036 weeks and just kinda... hangin' outWaiting for little miss to join us earthside. I was at 3cm at my appointment on Monday and have had some contractions here and there but this little peanut is not done cookin' and has decided to hang out in utero just a bit longer. I won't lie, I'm ready. The reflux makes me want to cry as it makes me throw up at times. There isn't much room left in there for her as she continues to grow; the kicks and punches are now extra fun as her legs reach under my ribs. The doctor said she's measuring large; I have a third-trimester growth ultrasound scheduled for Thursday to see how big she actually is; I almost don't even want to know, but I do want to see that smushy baby. I am hopeful that I don't need the ultrasound (because I've had the baby) but know that it's best to let her continue to marinate... I won't rush her but I also won't be sad if she shows up tonight, just sayin'. Big sister is also very excited to meet the littlest homie. Charlie has been up north with Nana & Papa this weekend and I have missed her somethin' fierce! I can't wait to hear her chatter about the weekend!! It was great to have time for just Porch & I for sure, but even walking through Home Depot felt weird without Charlie. I went to Target to wander (because I could) and I felt very "meh" about it. I miss my partner in shopping! ;)<br />
<br />
Hope you are all having a great weekend & enjoying the weather - it's been gorgeous here. It's supposed to rain tomorrow but we've got plenty to do inside that will keep us busy!<br />
<br />
xo<br />
Mama Porch<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">not so patiently waiting....</td></tr>
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Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-43519802378723278802019-05-18T22:52:00.000-05:002019-05-26T22:53:09.043-05:00I should buy stock in ZantacI will never take for granted how long it took us to get to this point. I am 35 weeks pregnant and getting to a point of being so uncomfortable, I just want to deliver. Between the worst heartburn ever and feeling like baby is about to fall out of my uterus, I am inching towards the finish line. I feel like I'm actually crawling, on my hands and knees, just trying to get there with my sanity intact. I have never eaten so many Tums in my life nor taken so much Zantac, but I remember that this all passes once the baby arrives. Then we move into sleep deprivation and a vagina that feels like it's on fire after delivering a giant baby to the world. Though my friend recently just delivered a boy that was quite large via c-section and I was like...... wooahhhhh, no thanks. Charlie was almost 9 pounds when she was born and I'm hoping for something similar in nature this go-round.<br />
<br />
We went to the zoo for Mother's Day and I did a decent(ish) job of keeping up with the others and while I needed time to recoup on the couch, I wasn't too in too bad of shape! Then Thursday, I went with Charlie's class to the zoo again (in the pouring rain) and again was able to keep up and went to work afterward. Today, Charlie and I went to Ikea and I wanted. to. die. For whatever reason, today was just too much and now I am on the couch (after taking my Tums) and listening to Charlie play with her new doll furniture while Porch makes salmon for dinner. There are some things in life that aren't worth paying for, but I will tell you straight up -- grocery delivery is absolutely worth every penny. I don't regret it, ever. It keeps me out of the store while hungry and keeps me from waddling through the store. It also keeps Charlie out of the store; I hate that they have so much crap for kids there. Usually, she does okay, but we can't both be miserable while shopping - it just won't work. So today I ordered our groceries which gave Porch more time to dig up the tree line in our yard (that's a whole 'nother post) and it gave me time to run to Target with Charlie and then randomly go to Ikea with her.<br />
<br />
xo<br />
Mama PorchCrabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-52767452710726066652019-04-06T20:56:00.001-05:002019-04-06T20:56:19.327-05:0029 weeks and growing ;)one of my favorite parts of this pregnancy has been charlie's excitement about it and the enthusiasm with which she greets the friday morning update about what size the baby is each week. i was so thankful that i got to be with her this friday morning so we could look at it together before we were apart for a minute. baby is the size of a butternut squash. i am currently 76 days from her due date and wondering if she'll be early like her sister or if she'll stay snuggled in there beyond her due date. <br />
<br />
i am excited to watch charlie evolve in her role as big sister. being 4 is hard work and adding in big sister duty will be interesting to witness. i am already super proud of my big girl and can't wait to see my girls together.<br />
<br />
i have been awful with bump pictures this go 'round but here's what i've got at the moment. :)<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZWl2GRz_yZU/XKlYQ_62uwI/AAAAAAAApL0/PewXw7sruJIPvWkGqtF8Tmyq-VzV42tMwCKgBGAs/s1600/20190329_053748.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-ZWl2GRz_yZU/XKlYQ_62uwI/AAAAAAAApL0/PewXw7sruJIPvWkGqtF8Tmyq-VzV42tMwCKgBGAs/s320/20190329_053748.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">28 weeks</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kM1muNU0UT8/XKlYQ6WODsI/AAAAAAAApL0/EtK8_ZTV30kItmOfOZ5xvHsKnuxAr_KhQCKgBGAs/s1600/20190330_170113.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kM1muNU0UT8/XKlYQ6WODsI/AAAAAAAApL0/EtK8_ZTV30kItmOfOZ5xvHsKnuxAr_KhQCKgBGAs/s320/20190330_170113.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">28 weeks @ the beach</td></tr>
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Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-4410791185815522662019-01-24T21:16:00.001-06:002019-01-24T21:16:24.154-06:00here's to meeting our deductible before june!yesterday was eventful; after an evening and morning of cramping with spotting, i was advised to head to the emergency department for monitoring to make sure all is well with the littlest porch. it was a long time spent waiting but i got a sneak peek at the baby via ultrasound (making sure the placenta wasn't over the cervix) and holy moly you guys - that baby is gettin' BIG. i always picture this tiny little bean in the lowest part of my body but the ultrasound tech was way up on my belly - and there was baby! hanging out! heartbeat was wonderful at 138bpm and the little one was dancing around which was amazing to watch! our anatomy scan is in early february & i am so excited to find out who this not-so-little bean is & learn about the growth so far. we've started throwing around names (okay, i throw a name out there and watch porch's face for reaction) and thinking about what we will actually need for this kiddo. so far, all i've come up with is a crib (and that's probably not going to be right away anyway) and probably a new infant car seat. so the list is pretty small... though if we're having a boy, we'll need some onesies that brag about how he loves his mama so so much - you guys remember how many daddy's girl outfits charlie had?! yeesh. and if it's a girl, well, we've got her covered as long as she is a relatively close size to her sister.<br />
<br />
and to close, i have to share that charlotte is the sweetest big sister EVER. she cuddles up to me and says things like, "i just love that baby so much" while rubbing my stomach. she loves to listen to the heartbeat with me and giggles when she hears it. it makes my heart burst and makes me so excited to see her grow into her role as the big sister.<br />
<br />
xo<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hKA712TbZkc/XEp_PiP0u8I/AAAAAAAAn5M/YR3dihUoPug8P9xgqFUO6jS3hHM8LtwDACKgBGAs/s1600/20190123_105650.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hKA712TbZkc/XEp_PiP0u8I/AAAAAAAAn5M/YR3dihUoPug8P9xgqFUO6jS3hHM8LtwDACKgBGAs/s320/20190123_105650.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">my personal stylist</td></tr>
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d<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mpQym518pIw/XEp_G68wXYI/AAAAAAAAn5I/0q66wO0MXz8IcOyanmFDbzDF7MuzcX8zgCKgBGAs/s1600/20190123_105716.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-mpQym518pIw/XEp_G68wXYI/AAAAAAAAn5I/0q66wO0MXz8IcOyanmFDbzDF7MuzcX8zgCKgBGAs/s320/20190123_105716.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">let's call this "18 weeks" and an LOL HairGoals curler in my hair, courtesy of C ;)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-88544703490021671052019-01-07T20:50:00.002-06:002019-01-07T20:50:55.640-06:00finding baby's beati got a wusic heartrate monitor for christmas from my father-in-law & tried it right away. i felt like i heard the heartbeat but tonight after we wrestled charlie to sleep, i laid in bed and found it definitively. that little heart was BUMPIN! there was no confusing that with my own, it was very much the beating heart of my little nugget. tonight after i vacuumed the living room, i told porch it felt like baby was tucked away on the left side of my body, i could just feel a heaviness there and sure enough - that's where i found the little one!<br />
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i think it's important to note that the directions clearly said best results after 16 weeks, which i just hit on friday. while i'm not feeling movement, i am very much aware of this kiddo's presence both in the new bump i'm rocking & just this heavy feeling on my left side.<br />
<br />
but hey - i think i'm done barfing! it's been several days now & i think i'm in the clear!!<br />
<br />
xo<br />
dCrabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-29085412361560119272018-12-24T20:36:00.002-06:002018-12-24T20:36:43.634-06:00creating space to breatheAlthough Charlotte is very excited about her new baby (who is being called Violet, which will be super awkward if we find out it's a boy), I worry that we're going through a developmental stage right now where she needs a lot of guidance and a lot of discipline; and I don't mean discipline like spanking, I mean it in the idea of helping her learn what's acceptable and what's not. This has never been an issue for us -- until she started 4K at the public school. Now there's a lot of talking back and potty talk and just general defiance. I don't expect her to be perfect, but I also don't expect my 4-year-old to lash out at me like she's a teenager. It's too much.<br />
<br />
So while I do not really 'do' New Year's resolutions, I do have a goal that I've been working on. I'd like to minimalize our life so that the time I would typically spend cleaning or organizing can instead be spent with her. I've been on a really great purging binge lately and I think I've sent like 8 bags to Thred Up in the past two weeks. If it's not bringing functionality to us or making us happy, it's hurting us and it just has to go. I started on her toy room last night but want her to be more involved in that process so that it's not me just chuckin' her stuff. I may approach that last. I've been downsizing my wardrobe, the 'clutter' around the house in the form of sentimental objects.<br />
<br />
If my house burns down tomorrow, my concern will be "did my family make it out and where can we go?" There isn't much in this house that can't be replaced. We have a firebox that stores our important legal documents so on that front, I feel covered. The knick-knacks and dust collectors... I need more white space in my life so that I can breathe. <br />
<br />
I'm open to any advice if you have taken this path before. Just need our home to mean a little more than being full of stuff. It needs to be a home. I need my daughter to feel warm, safe, and able to open up to us because if this is foreshadowing to her teenage years, I am going to need way more wine and a whole lotta Jesus.<br />
<br />
xo<br />
DCrabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-58719297296515669542018-11-29T19:25:00.001-06:002018-11-29T19:25:17.032-06:00Slack'a'lackin' {11 weeks}Man, you guys. Remember when I was pregnant with Charlie and you got updates each week, posted on the first day with the week with pictures and information about changes and symptoms? Ha. Listen, to be fair, this kid has spent 11 weeks making me want to sleep and vomit so it's only fair that we have no record of this time. I've been taking that B6 and Unisom and have been able to keep it together enough to function but definitely not bringing anything near what one would consider an A game. Maybe like a C game? B+ at the very best.<br />
<br />
So, let's start documenting this adventure. I won't lie - part of me is still terrified that if I post about this and get super excited, something will go wrong. I know my anti-anxiety medication is definitely helping me in this area but there's still that lingering fear and doubt. But today, I am VERY much pregnant. And it is the eve of the 11th week so I thought we better mark it with a post.<br />
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<u>11 Weeks</u><br />
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Symptoms: Vomit. All of the vomit. My dry-heaving has developed nicely and I know my triggers so no turtlenecks, necklaces, sweaters with any kind of collar, I can't wear my hat with my hair down because it makes my hair touch my neck and then I start the heave-ho process. No joke, this is my daily struggle.<br />
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Bonus: I haven't gained much weight because there isn't much I can tolerate.<br />
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Cravings: Nothing consistently, but I do find that I need picture menus to make choices and will often lean towards strong flavors over bland foods.<br />
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Maternity clothes and LuLaRoe are life. I busted those bad boys out almost immediately after peeing on a stick. I won't lie, it was a struggle for me to put them away after Charlie was born.<br />
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Baby is the size of: I have no idea, the size of a kumquat during week 10. I have never encountered a kumquat in real life so.... google it, okay?<br />
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I don't know, but folks are starting to comment on my "bump" and I just don't have the heart to tell them that no, that's not a bump, that's residual baby fat from the last go-round. So yeah, it's a bump. Yep. Just don't f*$%@ing touch me. That's true when I'm pregnant and also when I'm not.<br />
<br />
Looking forward to... I have an appointment in December but I don't know if that's an ultrasound appointment. I know I have to call and schedule our 20 week ultrasound and decide if we want to do genetic screening. Super on the fence with this - I'm open to any feedback.<br />
<br />
Okay guys, so the truth is - I'm actually writing this during my class and I'm probably about to be called on and look like a goof so I'm going to let this end here.<br />
<br />
Peace out, homies!<br />
-D<br />
<br />
<br />Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-61584437253389477352018-11-20T08:53:00.000-06:002018-11-20T08:53:20.213-06:009 weeks 4 daysJust rollin' right along with my littlest homie; had our first visit with my ob/gyn yesterday and everything looks unremarkably wonderfully "fine." Heart rate was at 160 bpm and this nugget currently the size of a cherry looked very gummy bearish to me.<br />
<br />
Also, did you know that ultrasound envy is a thing? It's not? Well, it should be - I have a mama at work who is 11 weeks and had ultrasounds done at her provider (different network) and they are amazing - 3D and breathtaking. Meanwhile, my kiddo legit looks like a lumpy ghost, but it's fine. Haha, I just never thought to be jealous of someone else's ultrasound.<br />
<br />
Anywho, off to another day in paradise at work now that I dropped off my biggest little homie. Just enough time to come home, get dressed, try to eat something, grab coffee for work and head out! My next class starts on Monday and I'm ready for it. Shoot. I never told you about that, did I? I started coursework through UW-Platteville for my Program Development credential and just wrapped up my first class with a perfect score. Always a nerd, and I won't be apologizing. So thankful for the scholarship opportunity that got me to this place!<br />
<br />
K, I really REALLY need caffeine (all 200mg of my daily allotment, you judgey judgerton)!<br />
<br />
xo<br />
DCrabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-18953290032967015742018-11-12T17:17:00.002-06:002018-11-12T17:17:59.835-06:00My new challenge...When I was pregnant with Charlie, I was sick very little. I knew my triggers and stayed clear. With this one... all bets seem to be off & I never know when the dry heaving will come on. While it's not technically severe (throwing up 3 times a day for 3 days), it's annoying and frustrating me as I have a job that doesn't really allow "sick days." What I really need is a mid-day nap but you guys, I am the world's worst napper. I will lay down for a quick nap and 4 hours later be rubbing my eyes, begging for more sleep. I am a BIG fan of sleep. Also of not throwing up.<br />
<br />
Hope you guys are doing well... it's not exactly the most exciting time because we don't have an updated ultrasound and haven't been seen by the regular ob yet but that day is quickly approaching. My last shot & estradiol pills are Wednesday, November 22nd and I am PUMPED. Someday we'll be exciting and -- nope. I'll still be over here gagging and wishing for the 2nd trimester because sweet baby JESUS, it has got to get better from here.<br />
<br />
This kid is already a force.<br />
xo<br />
DCrabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-17605687603202660292018-11-09T09:35:00.001-06:002018-11-12T17:18:16.374-06:00blehhhhWe've been quiet, that's for sure. I won't lie, it's because I am either throwing up -or- googling to see what's going on and finding out what's wrong with me and/or baby. Yes, I know better. No, I don't think I can actually stop. Not until I get another peek in there & can feel assured that everything is going well. Shouldn't I feel assured by this nausea and exhaustion? I would if those weren't also possible side effects of the medications I take until 10 weeks. But alas, here we are!<br />
<br />Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-43982464016946462902018-10-21T18:40:00.000-05:002018-10-21T18:40:09.519-05:00when injections make you giggletonight when i did my progesterone shot, i pulled the needle out and my body legit squirted the progesterone in oil right back out. not all of it, but enough to be comical and i really just wanted to share that with you fine people who are either in the trenches with me, have been in the trenches, or are supporting someone who is there presently.<br />
<br />
sometimes, if you don't laugh, you'll cry. find the humor, like your body straight up rejecting to accept the oil. hahaha, even typing this, i'm still laughing.<br />
<br />
xo<br />
-dCrabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-58723514547942673262018-10-20T15:34:00.002-05:002018-10-20T15:34:18.829-05:00POASCan I tell you a secret? I cheated. A lot. I took several at home pregnancy tests before I took the blood test. I had to know. I don't think I could handle being told "I'm so sorry, you're not pregnant" one more time - and especially not without already having had time to process the loss. (POAS = pee on a stick)<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gqAeBz47Cps/W8uQj-0rHVI/AAAAAAAAmUA/tcv5K5dJ6KstonvNJHhjM0ih04whbLnBwCKgBGAs/s1600/20181010_091026.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gqAeBz47Cps/W8uQj-0rHVI/AAAAAAAAmUA/tcv5K5dJ6KstonvNJHhjM0ih04whbLnBwCKgBGAs/s400/20181010_091026.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I was surprised how quickly I could see the line, but now when I look at them, it's not as obvious to me.<br />Just squint. Real hard.</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3dHXAHAwZC8/W8uQj99wEJI/AAAAAAAAmUA/xNy1OZmvibErxoB2eMvhcYk2O49DP2j_QCKgBGAs/s1600/20181011_083523.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3dHXAHAwZC8/W8uQj99wEJI/AAAAAAAAmUA/xNy1OZmvibErxoB2eMvhcYk2O49DP2j_QCKgBGAs/s320/20181011_083523.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Another indication I was pregnant? I switched to iced coffee because hot coffee sounded gross.<br />When I was pregnant with Charlie, this was all I drank.</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XKGd7PVGQuk/W8uQj7s_fFI/AAAAAAAAmUA/ftgZLVUX-qU-DFd8sC2rJhO5mQ1PeDBOwCKgBGAs/s1600/20181013_101623.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-XKGd7PVGQuk/W8uQj7s_fFI/AAAAAAAAmUA/ftgZLVUX-qU-DFd8sC2rJhO5mQ1PeDBOwCKgBGAs/s320/20181013_101623.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No morning sickness, no real complaints other than the injection site from my progesterone.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EIdf6P2yKZI/W8uQjzsE4pI/AAAAAAAAmUA/2tGrVnBV6IA34lqRdqBHsrKGrHpdG4UEACKgBGAs/s1600/20181013_111735.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EIdf6P2yKZI/W8uQjzsE4pI/AAAAAAAAmUA/2tGrVnBV6IA34lqRdqBHsrKGrHpdG4UEACKgBGAs/s320/20181013_111735.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Just me and my pumpkin!</td></tr>
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xo</div>
<div>
-d</div>
Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-73055057236868521342018-10-15T15:10:00.000-05:002018-10-15T15:10:56.783-05:00beta resultsafter much heartache and waiting, it is with humble hearts that we share our news with you... we are *finally* adding another love bug to our family. baby porch is expected to arrive june 2019.<br />
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thank you for all of your positive vibes, prayers, calls, texts, messages, etc. to let us know you were thinking of us. we are thankful for your support during this challenging season!<br />
<br />
xo<br />
-d<br />
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Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-83091865636100045422018-10-11T08:43:00.003-05:002018-10-11T08:43:51.567-05:00Happy Beta Eve!I just realized how many "eve's" I like to celebrate. I routinely celebrate Friday eve, but today, beta eve seems more appropriate. nope, not like the fish: like the blood test to determine if our 5th frozen transfer was successful.<br />
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when I stop and reflect on what I've put my body through in the past two years of trying to find our baby, it is truly amazing that my body hasn't straight up quit on me. especially with this cycle and the progesterone in oil injections. those suck and I don't wish them on anyone, except my enemies.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">There is always hope. (candle from Home Goods by Rae Dunn)</td></tr>
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There's likely to be a few moments of silence on the blog either way; if it's positive, I will have to pick myself up off the floor and figure out how to do this again (it's been 5 years and I am out of practice). If it's negative, I'll be okay, but will need a few days to process and have some dialogue with our RE.<br />
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One day at a time... all we can really do is keep breathing and keep the faith that much like Bug was worth the wait, our second bundle of joy will be just as fabulous. And maybe a better sleeper.<br />
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xo<br />
D<br />
<br />Crabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6055451930861466116.post-66580502032622251912018-10-07T10:11:00.002-05:002018-10-11T08:44:11.902-05:00resisting the urge... to pee on a stick.<br />
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today is 5dp5dt (5 days post 5 day transfer). technically, this was the point where i tested with charlotte's transfer and got the faintest of faint lines. i can't bring myself to buy a test because i don't know what i'll feel if there's no 2nd line.<br />
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feeling feelings,<br />
xo<br />
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-dCrabby Sunflowerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02253703363523453912noreply@blogger.com0