Tonight, I am preparing myself for the big goodbye. To let go of someone whom I have known and loved deeply my entire life. This has been difficult and not all at once. He lived such a long and meaningful life and touched so many lives in his years... it hurts to let someone like that go.
It stings every time Charlotte randomly interjects "Why your grandpa dieeee?" or "My mama's grandpa died." She's three and has not encountered death yet in her short little life. I think most of my anxiety about the funeral tomorrow is her -- how do you explain death? Why is everyone crying? Why isn't grandpa moving? Why is he in there? Not to mention that we are not church-goers so being in mass will be a new experience for her anyway. She doesn't know that we have to sit quietly and listen. I worry that she shouldn't be there. I worry that she won't be there; that this is somehow a formative experience for her.
How amazing is it that my kiddo got to know her great grandpa and spend 3 years loving on him? I think the best part is how much my dad looks like my grandpa -- you could always see the careful way she studied grandpa's face, trying to figure out why he looked so much like my dad.
Tonight as we got ready for bed, Charlotte put on her new hat and mittens and exclaimed, "It's Christmas!"
Me: Did you get me a present?!
C: No.
Me: Why not?!
C: Drandpa's getting you one.
Me: That Papa is super thoughtful, you're right.
C: No, Drate (Great) Grandpa. He's making you one.
Oh my. I immediately wondered if perhaps Grandpa was up there with my future bambino. :) What a sweet thought, right?! *not pregnant
I took Charlotte to the library today with hopes of finding books about death and grieving. I searched the handouts they have with books grouped by topic -- a bust. I checked with the librarian and was again bummed. I remembered seeing a link my aunt shared for my other aunts & uncles to share with my younger cousins (who are the same age as Charlotte -- I know, right?! My youngest cousin is still baking! There will be 34 years between the two of us!). I pulled it up and looked for the best choices available.
Book List: Guiding the Grieving Process with Your Preschooler
What Happens When Someone Dies? by M. Mundy
This book is well-written for an elementary-aged child. It is faith-based and talks about heaven and God. It is written as a question an answer session and helps children understand why people are sad, but also why people might be laughing. There are pieces of this that helped give me the language to use with C.
I Miss You: A First Look at Death by P. Thomas
The How to Use This Book section in the back is amazing -- great reminders for those supporting kids through the grieving process. I really liked the reminder that children need to participate in the grieving & not to let our own grief prevent us from helping children process their own.
It Will Be Okay: Trusting God Through Fear and Change by L. TerKeurst
An insanely long faith-based story. Too long for C to enjoy -- and quite frankly, too long for me. I didn't get past the 3rd page. Not for us.
What Happens When A Loved One Dies? by Dr. Jillian Roberts
I LOVE that this book acknowledges several cultural beliefs. "Many cultures believe that a person is made up of both a body and a soul, and that the soul lives on even though the body is no longer alive." I appreciate that it's tactfully written with short, sweet, and to-the-point text. Young children won't get through a novel. The illustrations in this book are bright and playful.
This was the one that we were able to read tonight. Charlotte can tell me that great grandpa died and that his body doesn't work anymore. This one hit home for us because it demonstrates grief as a parallel process -- "It's okay to feel sad or scared, and it's okay to cry. Mommy may cry too." Again, the illustrations are great, very soft and often show the mom and the child with the same facial expressions. This story is about grandma's passing but I simply substituted great grandpa and it worked well.
I'm definitely still processing my grief. I am an expert feelings-stuffer-downer & try to keep myself busy enough to distract from those feelings. Then it hits me. I'm not sure there's a right way to handle this kind of thing, but I did take tomorrow and Thursday off from work for family and bereavement. I need to stop and reflect on the impact this truly magnificent man made on my life. I am so thankful that I was able to visit him and give him one more hug and kiss and whisper I love you into his ear.
Whew. Did you make it through that whole thing?! I barely did and I wrote the damn thing. :)
Thank you for all of your kind words and support.
xo
Mama Porch
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