Los Porchs

Although Charlotte is very excited about her new baby (who is being called Violet, which will be super awkward if we find out it's a boy), I worry that we're going through a developmental stage right now where she needs a lot of guidance and a lot of discipline; and I don't mean discipline like spanking, I mean it in the idea of helping her learn what's acceptable and what's not. This has never been an issue for us -- until she started 4K at the public school. Now there's a lot of talking back and potty talk and just general defiance. I don't expect her to be perfect, but I also don't expect my 4-year-old to lash out at me like she's a teenager. It's too much. So while I do not really 'do' New Year's resolutions, I do have a goal that I've been working on.  I'd like to minimalize our life so that the time I would typically spend cleaning or organizing can instead be spent with her. I've been on a really great purging bin

Man, you guys. Remember when I was pregnant with Charlie and you got updates each week, posted on the first day with the week with pictures and information about changes and symptoms? Ha. Listen, to be fair, this kid has spent 11 weeks making me want to sleep and vomit so it's only fair that we have no record of this time.  I've been taking that B6 and Unisom and have been able to keep it together enough to function but definitely not bringing anything near what one would consider an A game. Maybe like a C game? B+ at the very best. So, let's start documenting this adventure. I won't lie - part of me is still terrified that if I post about this and get super excited, something will go wrong. I know my anti-anxiety medication is definitely helping me in this area but there's still that lingering fear and doubt. But today, I am VERY much pregnant. And it is the eve of the 11th week so I thought we better mark it with a post. 11 Weeks Symptoms: Vomit. All of the

Just rollin' right along with my littlest homie; had our first visit with my ob/gyn yesterday and everything looks unremarkably wonderfully "fine." Heart rate was at 160 bpm and this nugget currently the size of a cherry looked very gummy bearish to me. Also, did you know that ultrasound envy is a thing? It's not? Well, it should be - I have a mama at work who is 11 weeks and had ultrasounds done at her provider (different network) and they are amazing - 3D and breathtaking. Meanwhile, my kiddo legit looks like a lumpy ghost, but it's fine. Haha, I just never thought to be jealous of someone else's ultrasound. Anywho, off to another day in paradise at work now that I dropped off my biggest little homie. Just enough time to come home, get dressed, try to eat something, grab coffee for work and head out! My next class starts on Monday and I'm ready for it. Shoot. I never told you about that, did I? I started coursework through UW-Platteville for my Progr

When I was pregnant with Charlie, I was sick very little. I knew my triggers and stayed clear. With this one... all bets seem to be off & I never know when the dry heaving will come on. While it's not technically severe (throwing up 3 times a day for 3 days), it's annoying and frustrating me as I have a job that doesn't really allow "sick days." What I really need is a mid-day nap but you guys, I am the world's worst napper. I will lay down for a quick nap and 4 hours later be rubbing my eyes, begging for more sleep. I am a BIG fan of sleep. Also of not throwing up. Hope you guys are doing well... it's not exactly the most exciting time because we don't have an updated ultrasound and haven't been seen by the regular ob yet but that day is quickly approaching.  My last shot & estradiol pills are Wednesday, November 22nd and I am PUMPED. Someday we'll be exciting and -- nope. I'll still be over here gagging and wishing for the 2nd t

We've been quiet, that's for sure. I won't lie, it's because I am either throwing up -or- googling to see what's going on and finding out what's wrong with me and/or baby. Yes, I know better. No, I don't think I can actually stop. Not until I get another peek in there & can feel assured that everything is going well. Shouldn't I feel assured by this nausea and exhaustion? I would if those weren't also possible side effects of the medications I take until 10 weeks. But alas, here we are!

tonight when i did my progesterone shot, i pulled the needle out and my body legit squirted the progesterone in oil right back out. not all of it, but enough to be comical and i really just wanted to share that with you fine people who are either in the trenches with me, have been in the trenches, or are supporting someone who is there presently. sometimes, if you don't laugh, you'll cry. find the humor, like your body straight up rejecting to accept the oil.  hahaha, even typing this, i'm still laughing. xo -d

Can I tell you a secret? I cheated. A lot. I took several at home pregnancy tests before I took the blood test. I had to know. I don't think I could handle being told "I'm so sorry, you're not pregnant" one more time - and especially not without already having had time to process the loss. (POAS = pee on a stick) I was surprised how quickly I could see the line, but now when I look at them, it's not as obvious to me. Just squint.  Real hard. Another indication I was pregnant?  I switched to iced coffee because hot coffee sounded gross. When I was pregnant with Charlie, this was all I drank. No morning sickness, no real complaints other than the injection site from my progesterone. Just me and my pumpkin! xo -d

after much heartache and waiting, it is with humble hearts that we share our news with you... we are *finally* adding another love bug to our family. baby porch is expected to arrive june 2019. thank you for all of your positive vibes, prayers, calls, texts, messages, etc. to let us know you were thinking of us. we are thankful for your support during this challenging season! xo -d

I just realized how many "eve's" I like to celebrate.  I routinely celebrate Friday eve, but today, beta eve seems more appropriate. nope, not like the fish: like the blood test to determine if our 5th frozen transfer was successful. when I stop and reflect on what I've put my body through in the past two years of trying to find our baby, it is truly amazing that my body hasn't straight up quit on me. especially with this cycle and the progesterone in oil injections. those suck and I don't wish them on anyone, except my enemies. There is always hope. (candle from Home Goods by Rae Dunn) There's likely to be a few moments of silence on the blog either way; if it's positive, I will have to pick myself up off the floor and figure out how to do this again (it's been 5 years and I am out of practice). If it's negative, I'll be okay, but will need a few days to process and have some dialogue with our RE. One day at a time... all w

... to pee on a stick. today is 5dp5dt (5 days post 5 day transfer). technically, this was the point where i tested with charlotte's transfer and got the faintest of faint lines. i can't bring myself to buy a test because i don't know what i'll feel if there's no 2nd line. feeling feelings, xo -d

Things went well this afternoon & I was even complimented on not only the lining of my uterus (beautiful and thick), but also on my wonderfully full bladder. So yeah, I was kind of crushing it.  It was all routine and I have to say, that embryo was looking mighty fine. It was a grade A (seriously, they are rated and this nugget got an A) and was assisted with hatching and progressing nicely! All things considered, there is no reason this shouldn't be our lucky #6! Blood test is next Friday & we'll see what our next steps will be... I have to say, knowing what we're fighting for makes it much easier to do these shots in my bum. I can take a deep breath and remind myself what this is all for & what the big picture could truly hold for us. One day at a time. xo -D

Spent the afternoon braving Target with C before coming home to tidy up and mentally & emotionally prepare myself for tomorrow.  Tomorrow is Transfer Day. We will transfer 1 wonderful embryo with the hopes of seeing two pink lines 10 days later. I always think I'm going to need help staying busy during the TWW (two week wait) but the time seems to fly because 1. I cheat and use the home pregnancy test and 2. I have a four-year-old who keeps me moving! I count the days by the shots I take in my hip. The first few days seemed okay and truthfully, they all have been... some soreness but overall, I expect things to get way worse. The hardest part for my body has been the bruising. I bruise if you look at me wrong so you can imagine the struggle my body is having with these intramuscular injections... ... and my fall down the stairs at the cabin.  No joke, Friday night, I was walking down the stairs to our room in socks (first mistake) and thought I was being so careful and slow

as i prepare myself for the big 3-5 tomorrow, i spent the evening staring down a vial of progesterone in oil (PIO) and the syringe i'd need for this intramuscular devil's work. i put some ice on my gorgeous pre-drawn triangle (hats off to the nurse who made me look like a jack-o-lantern with a triangle on each side of my body), took a deep breath, and did the damn thing.  i didn't hurt any more than the stimulation cycle injections which were subcutaneous, though maybe it was beginner's luck. whatever it was, it didn't make me cry. transfer is scheduled for tuesday afternoon and then it's 10 days of waiting for the blood test. if we get a positive, i get to keep on keepin' on with these shots for 10 more weeks! if not, i get to take a break from the shots and try again later. like a boss.  a jack-o-lantern boss. not today, satan. xo mama porch

I had a baseline ultrasound (day 2 of cycle) yesterday and I nearly fell off the exam table when I heard the words, "everything looks really good!" i felt like i had to look around the room to figure out who dr. b was talking to because surely, with my history, it's not me. but it was! we are moving forward so i am now taking estradiol and hoping for a nice thick uterine lining (i wonder if you ever imagined you'd be learning so much about a woman's cycle). i go back towards the end of the month and if things continue to be in our favor, we can hope for a frozen embryo transfer in this cycle, so possibly early october. i am trying to be optimistic, even though it's a challenge. send good thoughts! d

On the weeks that I close, I get to take Charlie to school for drop-off.  But then there's about an hour between when I get home & when I have to be at work.  It's a weird feeling. I feel slightly lost because an hour is a lot of time, but seemingly not enough time to feel able to dig in & get started on something meaningful. I'm also wondering what it would be like to have a day *off* from work and not have C here with me; this has never happened before and I already feel anxious just thinking about all that time alone.  I need to find more staff at work and get things going before I take a day off, but this knowledge that it's possible is exciting. xo D

when i was preparing for my return to work after i had charlotte, i remember staying up as late as possible because i wasn't ready to face the morning when I'd have to hand my baby to someone else. it's 10:41pm and tomorrow i have to hand my baby to someone else in a place that i don't work, in a place where i didn't hire the staff. i won't be able to peek in and see how she's doing. i won't be able to jump in if she needs something. i won't be in the building. public schools scare the ever-living shit out of me. yep. even my anti-anxiety meds cannot protect me from this feeling. i have seen too many parents sobbing on the news, begging our administration to make changes to keep our babies safe only to hear the higher ups call them snowflakes. my child, my 1 and only baby, will walk into a place in which i cannot shield her. and i have to make sure my baby has no idea i feel this way. i am cheering and sharing her excitement as she gleefully talks

... sometimes when you're alone and all you do is think... i'm a cowboy... wait, nope. no, that's not right. folks, i'm down to my last week of birth controls pills and i am beyond pumped about it. it means that in a short amount of time, i will have another period (oh the joys) and then i can finally, and i mean finally , start a frozen embryo transfer protocol. in case you missed it, l ast cycle things were still a touch wonky in the ol' ut and the lining held tight when it shouldn't have so the whole thing was deemed a loss and we had to restart the pill. the irony is not lost on me - thinking back to just how many birth control pills i've taken in my life, hoping to prevent the very thing i am now fighting to experience. life is funny.  not like funny haha, more of a funny weird situation these days. we are going to lay low this weekend and enjoy some time at home before school starts - yep, my itty bitty isn't so itty bitty and has found hers

went for the repeat ultrasound yesterday with my heart filled with positive thoughts and feelings just to find out that my uterine lining is WAY too thick to move forward. in fact, dr. b was worried because my uterus and ovaries seem to be having different conversations about where they are in my cycle. blood was drawn and results revealed that i hadn't ovulated and so, my dear friends, i am back on birth control for an undetermined length of time. the short version of this paragraph:  i didn't bleed enough this month so i have to do it again. you know it's rough when even the doctor has that sad look in her eyes and wraps up the appointment with, "I feel so bad for you, it's just one thing after another." that's why i like her, to be honest. let's not sugar coat this process and let's skip the whole "we'll get 'em next time, tiger" pep talk. it sucks. and we're allowed to feel that, my fellow infertility peeps. it's o

today i had my baseline ultrasound and my uterine lining is still too thick; they are threatening to cancel the FET cycle and put me back on the birth control for another month. i feel like i'm hitting road block after road block. it is so frustrating to be so close and to have something like this set me back. it's literally out of my control how thick the lining of my uterus is - listen, i never envisioned myself to be sitting here, casually chattin' about my reproductive organs and their happenings, but here we are... what a tuesday, amirite?! i have to wait and if there is no additional bleeding, the cycle is over & i am back to the pill. if there's any kind of hope in the form of bleeding, i have a repeat ultrasound on friday. i am all about hope but i am struggling to keep a grip on it today.  speaking of situations that remind you of your need to get a grip, i registered bug for 4k today.  yep. my kid is going to public school in like 20 days and i just ac

the feeling of the walls closing in around me and standing alone in time and space... even when my loved ones are literally within arm's reach. how does that even happen? the feeling of knowing just how much i need to accomplish and feeling frozen, unable to begin a single one of those tasks... today has been a rough day, friends. i am more than ready for the weekend to be here! -d

It's not lost on me that when Charlotte came into our lives, I started using "Mama Porch" and abandoned the good old fashioned "Mrs. Porch." This is an issue for me as a mom, a wife, and a human being. I have many official titles to go with the roles I have in my family and work life.  I don't know why I feel I have to use Mama like it's my only role. I struggle so, so much, friends, with the idea that I am something other than (more than?) Charlotte's mom. I love my Mama Bear status, there's no denying that, but I can't help but feel like it has cast a shadow on other, equally important roles. How do you all balance the roles? I'm not talkin' "get a good organizer" or "have a date night" -- to me, this is a deeper conflict. Maybe this doesn't make sense; maybe you're reading it thinking Damn girl, go grab your coffee and get yo' shit together .  Or maybe, just maybe, you're reading it and wonderi

If it feels like this journey is taking forever, it's because it is! I have 1 more week of active birth control pills to take and then when my cycle starts, I'll go back into the blood work and ultrasound cycle to prepare for the frozen embryo transfer. The drive to the clinic isn't terrible, but it's about 20 minutes each way and with construction, who knows. My car gets amazing gas mileage though so it's not too detrimental to my fuel supply (or my budget).  My ovaries feel significantly better and the hormones aren't quite as ragin' as they were after the retrieval. I get restless when things calm down and sadly, I start to self-destruct at this point. The anxiety has resurfaced and I spend my days talking myself down, reminding myself that this too shall pass. The hardest part of the "hurry up and wait" portion of infertility is the waiting... it gives me too much time in my own head.  I'm trying to stay busy and to find ways to distrac

10 embyros frozen for future use (9 on day 5 and 1 on day 6).  now, we wait.

Reading:   Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis I'm still in the early pages of this book but can already tell it will be a fast read that is a repeat.  Some of the words seem like they are written directly to me. Watching: Fancy Nancy with Charlotte I just finished watching the entire Gilmore Girls series and am still grieving that loss, but Disney Junior just started a Fancy Nancy series and Charlotte has always loved the books so we're thoroughly enjoying this new show! Listening : The Minimalists podcast Hot damn this is good for my soul. It's a reminder that minimalism isn't all or nothing and I don't have to live in a stark house, but rather it's about finding what's appropriate for me and my family in this season of our lives and not living in excess. Enjoying : the dog park It's amazing to take Archer to the dog park and watch him run, run, run and seemingly crash when we get back to the house. I will admit it is very difficult to cr

what says monday better than, "hey, you should go to the er because i need to make sure you don't have a blood clot in your lungs." cool.  so not only did i have to leave work early, i then spent 4 hours in the emergency room (though i have to give crazy amounts of credit to the team at the ER, they were all amazing). good news though, you guys - i'm totally fine. just have a lot of fluid around my kissing ovaries. yeah. did you even know that's a thing? it's true. photo credit // encouragedegg.files.wordpress.com my ovaries are so large and fluid-ridden that they are touching, kissing if you will. have to take it easy to make sure we avoid ovarian torsion (in which they kind of fold over and get twisted, resulting in a surgery to correct). porch & i both laughed when we realized we had both been thinking how great it is that we've already met our deductible for the year; i mean, there won't be labor & delivery this year, but my goodne

we got our update on the embryos today (mychart is seriously a blessing) from the embryologist. of our 17 embryos, 5 are rated A, 5 are rated B, and 7 are rated C as of today. C quality embryos are not likely to continue to progress to become blastocysts so we're really looking at about 10 high-quality embryos. again, this is as of today - we still have 2-3 more days until we know the final number and quality of embryos to be frozen. so rest assured, there won't be 17 tiny porchs running around any time soon. though i am on board with getting a mini van!  the cup holders! the sliding doors! the captain chairs that charlie can get in herself without a boost! i digress. we'll keep you updated as our itty bitty embabies fight the good fight. thank you to all who have reached out, both publicly and privately, to ask about the process or to share their own journey. you're not alone! xo mama porch

i had my egg retrieval on wednesday (yep, the 4th) and we were fortunate enough to have 23 eggs. way more than the 8 we had our first cycle. got our report from the embryologist yesterday and of the 23 eggs, 18 were mature enough to use. still a ridiculous number, right? of those 18, 17 became embryos thanks to ICSI. waiting for a follow-up report tomorrow that will let us know how many of those 17 embryos have progressed! we will be freezing all of the embryos this cycle because i am at a very high risk for ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome and holy buckets - i feel it. this retrieval was more difficult than my first and i am still taking tylenol and ibuprofen to deal with the pain. hoping to do a FET (frozen embryo transfer) sometime in september... always a waiting game! not my favorite kind of shots!  gotta love filling up a sharps container! trigger shot! this is what tells the ovaries to let the eggs go after days of stimulating and telling the ovaries to hold on to them

i am sitting on the deck watching charlie play with dirt and water and make her own mud. she looked at me and asked if she could get her hands and feet dirty. it's saturday afternoon and we have no where to be today -- go nuts kid. "i'm making poop." three-year-olds, folks, they are something. oh no. she's approaching the water table with a bucket of muddy water.  she redirects herself to a large bucket and dumps all of her containers into it. "this is a perfect holiday. this is a perfect holiday in our new house." i have no idea what she's talking about but it is so important to me that she have these experiences not only because it's fun and builds her immune system something fierce, but because it connects her to nature. she mixes the muddy water with a mini frisbee she got today at the farmer's market and then rinses it off in the "clean" water in her water table. she is quickly distracted by the frisbee and seeks a playma

Last night I started my other medications; I've been taking Lupron for about a week now. I started Menopur (I used this my first IVF cycle) and Gonal something. Super fun, three shots each night.  ;)  I think it helps that I can put this in perspective -- I've been through child birth. I can probably handle a few shots here and there. It feels much more "meh" thing go round, to be honest. Perhaps it's because I know the struggle isn't in the stimulation process, but in the transfer process... or because I am actively chasing a three-year-old around wondering how the hell I will keep up with an infant if my whole body sounds like Rice Krispies when I stand up after we play on the floor.  We'll see, I guess. One day at a time and all that jazz, right? I continue on this path until Monday morning when I go back for ultrasound & blood work so we can see how things are going. Friday's tests showed that I had like 20 something follicles on each ovary (

throwing water balloons at your kid counts as a bath, yes? asking for a friend. we had so much fun filling water balloons today but charlie wouldn't let us pop any! so finally, porch and i just started tossing them at her. at one point, she had one in her swim suit top and it popped and it was the most  h y s t e r i c a l thing to happen to her all day. its the little things. we're makin memories  (and counting balloons as baths, it's decided) xo mama porch

I have a class tomorrow to teach me about the injections for this cycle.  It seems a little silly since I've already been through an IVF cycle, but since it's been 4 years, I figured the refresher couldn't hurt... especially since I didn't get any kind of guidance whatsoever for that first cycle. I legit had to watch videos on YouTube and even then, felt like I was wingin' it. The drugs should arrive sometime this week and I know that it's going to go from 0 to 60 in the blink of an eye. Charlotte must feel it too because her behavior this weekend has been a trainwreck of emotion.  She is currently laying on the floor, kicking the garbage can, screaming because she wants to go to Ikea and yet doesn't want to go to Ikea.  Being 3 is hard work. Our neighbors probably hate us. xo Mama Porch

Happy Cycle Day 1! Instructions from the clinic today included starting birth control pills on Thursday and continuing on that path until mid-June.  I'll be ordering my injections in the coming days and then attending an injections class in June.  This is a bit humorous to me as I've obviously already done this before, but after 4 years, I feel a refresher can't hurt. Lupron will start mid-June and then once I get back to CD2, we'll do baseline to see how things are progressing.  If all goes well, I'll continue the injection protocol and be a hormonal hot mess express.  Let's hope I'm done watching Gilmore Girls before I get to that point!  :) Fingers are crossed! xo Mama Porch

Today is CD 2 (CD = cycle day) Today I stopped by the lab here in town and had my blood drawn.  No joke, I felt like I lost 1/2 my blood supply.  I think I counted 10 or 11 vials.  Full work up!  I got handed a container of juice afterwards because the young lady was nervous about how much she had drawn.  Cute, honey, super cute.  This ain't no thang in the scheme of things! We are on our way, folks.  All that's left (I think) is my HSN which will either be late next week or early the following week.  The important thing is that so far, the stars have aligned and we have been able to get things done quickly without having to wait for another cycle to start.   I am feeling really thankful and appreciative for everything that has brought us to this point.  Here's hoping everything continues on this way! Today we are venturing out with our sassy 3-year-old to Target and Costco -- pray for us. xo Mama Porch

No good IVF round begins without its fair share of testing.  All of the tests!!  Our list of ordered labs and testing is pretty impressive. Mama Day 3 blood work (I'll spare you the laundry list) Urine analysis Annual with pap - scheduled this bad boy today and got an appointment for TOMORROW... now let's hope tomorrow doesn't end up being day 1 :/ HSN (hysterosonogram) ~ day 7 Porch Blood work Urine analysis The good ol' semen analysis After all of this is done, we can begin the prep cycle (back to birth control pills) & then move forward if things are going well.  I try really hard not to jump to conclusions, but here am I: Over here! I jumped to this -- Day 1 will likely be Thurs/Fri this week.  Day 3 testing on Sat/Sun.  HSN on Thurs/Fri of next week.  Prep cycle the following month (May) and hopefully starting injections (!) and kickin' off the fun in June.  :)   Fingers crossed that our bodies cooperate & that we c

We're anxiously anticipating our meeting with the doctor tomorrow as we hope to begin the process to create another amazing tiny human.  Our initial consult is tomorrow and we'll likely leave with orders for lots of fun tests so we can see what we're workin' with these days.  I won't lie, I'm pretty sure my endo is back and if they choose to treat it before moving forward, that could set us back about 6 months.  Please keep us in your thoughts in the coming days/weeks/months... I'll keep you posted with information as we return to the trenches of infertility. xo Mama Porch

I caught myself feeling frustrated last night when I walked into the bathroom to get ready for bed and nearly walked into the tiny Minnie Mouse step stool in front of my sink.  Then I immediately felt this sinking feeling ... this stool isn't going to be here much longer.  Someday soon, my tiny person will no longer want to use my much smaller bathroom.  Babies don't keep.  Charlotte currently enjoys shouting "MY AM NOT A BABY!" when I attempt to hold her like a baby.  Time moves so quickly and I can learn to savor the kiddo step stool because my heart knows all too well that this too shall pass.  xo Mama Porch

Here's the thing with infertility; it seems like it's never quite done with me.  Charlotte is 3 and exhaustingly perfect.  I am so insanely thankful that I get to be her mama.  We have tried 4 additional transfers since hers and it just doesn't seem to be in our favor.  I hear the science telling me that I'm done, that I likely won't get to hold a newborn in labor & delivery again and know that this tiny person is mine.  Right? Like this is just the known part of infertility.  The pangs of desire hit me every now and then but I can rationalize them and make the steps to pursue IVF once more (more details on that coming this spring). It's the little things that I forget and then come back to kick me square in the ovaries . It's putting away Charlotte's 3T and 4T clothing and staring woefully at the stack of totes I once optimistically thought would be reopened. It's rocking a baby at work and watching her fall asleep while I'm wondering i

It feels like forever since I've sat down to write a post, but so many of you have reached out to ask what's going on over here in Porchland that it felt like it was time for a quick update.  There isn't one.  ;) We are still very much adjusting to having Archer in our lives and working with him on training.  He will likely be starting obedience classes in the near future because he is a handful and then some.  He's such a sweet pup who loves his Charlie, but there is still much for him to learn -- especially not to jump on people.  That makes me crazy. Charlie and I planted our seeds a while back and we are enjoying watching them thrive in the little greenhouse, knowing that someday soon, the snow will dissipate and we will be able to plant them in our garden.  She's most excited about her pumpkin plants!  Archer was creeping around by the plants this morning so it seems we'll need to supervise his gardening activities. No news on the baby front either;

One Little Word It's a movement I've observed on social media for a while. I hate New Years resolutions. Hate them. I feel people set lofty goals and then fizzle out by February. March at best. But this notion seemed more meaningful. More like a compass for the year rather than a measurable set outcome. There are generators online to help you find your word or you can reflect & choose something meaningful to you.  Im trying to find the word that inspires me most. The generator said brave. My heart automatically jumped to grace. I suspect I'll know my word when I stumble upon it. It's one little word with so much potential. What's your word? Xo Mama Porch