Skip to main content

when even the doctor feels badly for you

went for the repeat ultrasound yesterday with my heart filled with positive thoughts and feelings just to find out that my uterine lining is WAY too thick to move forward. in fact, dr. b was worried because my uterus and ovaries seem to be having different conversations about where they are in my cycle. blood was drawn and results revealed that i hadn't ovulated and so, my dear friends, i am back on birth control for an undetermined length of time.

the short version of this paragraph:  i didn't bleed enough this month so i have to do it again.

you know it's rough when even the doctor has that sad look in her eyes and wraps up the appointment with, "I feel so bad for you, it's just one thing after another." that's why i like her, to be honest. let's not sugar coat this process and let's skip the whole "we'll get 'em next time, tiger" pep talk. it sucks. and we're allowed to feel that, my fellow infertility peeps. it's okay to acknowledge how much it SUCKS that while you're deep in the feels, *everyone* (okay, not everyone, but sweet baby jesus, does it feel that way sometimes) around you is pregnant unexpectedly. we are allowed to feel our feelings and to take a hot minute to process them. it doesn't mean that we aren't happy for those around us who are expecting, it just takes a moment for me to move past my grief. please don't feel like you can't share your joyful news, friends. just be prepared for the momentary blank stare before i respond.

this is a fight. we fought 4 years for charlie and it was worth every ounce of struggle. i am so thankful that my ally in this fight knows how to keep my spirits lifted and how to make me laugh. porch, i would be lost without you.  lost.  i look forward to the moment we get to meet our next itty bitty, even if it takes every last embryo to get to that moment.

hey, while you're here and essentially a captive audience, what are your thoughts on the working titles mentioned below for my upcoming autobiography?

one step forward, two packs of birth control pills back
it's always one thing after another
this is my good vein, use this one
hold my sharps container, i got this

xo
d
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It is not 1950; I do not vacuum in pearls.

Hi, it's me - I know it's been a while, but I've been deep inside that bubble I mentioned when everything first happened in November 2020 and I am starting to emerge having done some serious healing and navigating within the trauma of being a suicide survivor and a sole parent. This has nothing to do with that though. I'm dumping this thought here because I need it documented: You know how the conservative crowd tends to use "Well I don't have any children, why should I help pay for the schools?" and "People are just too lazy to work, I don't know why we need social services to help people pay for their child care and food?" I'm noticing those are the same voices I hear in restaurants complaining that there are no servers. No bartenders. No one available to change their oil or to do other trade work. And no one to watch their children.  The CEO of the company I work for posted a big response about how child care is the gatekeeper to folks
Post a Comment
Read more

Changing of the Seasons

We are approaching the one-year anniversary of when Ryan completed suicide. It brings a lot of emotions and feelings and memories and honestly - exhaustion. I have spent the last year in therapy digging myself out of a lot of those feelings and learning how to be Danie and not Porch and Danie. There have been a lot (!) of tears, a lot of me yelling at Ryan, cursing his name for leaving me to parent alone, a lot of wondering what comes next for the girl gang, a lot of rebuilding. But we're here. I'm here. And arguably stronger than ever (though not physically - listen, I eat my feelings and will work on that side of things later -- DO NOT SEND ME MLM BS ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT). I am much more aware of myself and the girls and more emotionally present than I've ever been. Those girls have been my light through some really dark shit. The seasons are changing. We are almost through our season of "firsts." And if you know, you know. If you don't, you're quite fort
Post a Comment
Read more

Charlotte's birth story

Thank goodness this isn't my 40 week update; I was really nervous that I'd have to write one of those and even possibly the dreaded 41 week update!  Today was her due date, but we got to meet her just a little early.  Charlotte Esther joined our family at 2:07am on Friday, August 8th... and changed our lives forever.  There's now a squishy baby who calls for us and loves nothing more than snuggling on our chests.  We are, in fact, living the dream.  A dream 4 years in the making and worth every moment.  My heart is so full of love for Charlotte and I am so excited to see how she grows and changes. I have always enjoyed reading the birth stories of my blogger friends' babies and felt it gave me hope as it was the final moment in the battle against infertility, the crossing of a finish line.  So today, in celebration of love and this chubby cheeked baby girl, I share with you the story of Charlotte's birth. Charlotte's Birth Story... I woke up Thursday morni
3 comments
Read more