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when even the doctor feels badly for you

went for the repeat ultrasound yesterday with my heart filled with positive thoughts and feelings just to find out that my uterine lining is WAY too thick to move forward. in fact, dr. b was worried because my uterus and ovaries seem to be having different conversations about where they are in my cycle. blood was drawn and results revealed that i hadn't ovulated and so, my dear friends, i am back on birth control for an undetermined length of time.

the short version of this paragraph:  i didn't bleed enough this month so i have to do it again.

you know it's rough when even the doctor has that sad look in her eyes and wraps up the appointment with, "I feel so bad for you, it's just one thing after another." that's why i like her, to be honest. let's not sugar coat this process and let's skip the whole "we'll get 'em next time, tiger" pep talk. it sucks. and we're allowed to feel that, my fellow infertility peeps. it's okay to acknowledge how much it SUCKS that while you're deep in the feels, *everyone* (okay, not everyone, but sweet baby jesus, does it feel that way sometimes) around you is pregnant unexpectedly. we are allowed to feel our feelings and to take a hot minute to process them. it doesn't mean that we aren't happy for those around us who are expecting, it just takes a moment for me to move past my grief. please don't feel like you can't share your joyful news, friends. just be prepared for the momentary blank stare before i respond.

this is a fight. we fought 4 years for charlie and it was worth every ounce of struggle. i am so thankful that my ally in this fight knows how to keep my spirits lifted and how to make me laugh. porch, i would be lost without you.  lost.  i look forward to the moment we get to meet our next itty bitty, even if it takes every last embryo to get to that moment.

hey, while you're here and essentially a captive audience, what are your thoughts on the working titles mentioned below for my upcoming autobiography?

one step forward, two packs of birth control pills back
it's always one thing after another
this is my good vein, use this one
hold my sharps container, i got this

xo
d

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