The lights, the presents.. the joy.. there's so much to be enjoyed and celebrated this time of year. We are so thankful for the three-nager who makes every day a challenge and the pup who brings us the weirdest occurrences of the zoomies.
But still.
My heart hurts.
For the four babies who simply weren't. Couldn't be. 2017 wasn't our year.
For the desire to add more children to our hot mess express.
While there are absolutely times midst argument with Charlotte (Lord help me in the future) I simply cannot fathom adding another tiny fighter to our group, I also am grieving the loss of what could have been. I didn't know I wanted 5 children until I had 5 embryos. My motto before IVF was that I would see how bad childbirth was before I agreed to future children; Charlotte was amazing and perfect and I knew I wanted more well before her first birthday. Depression set in and I didn't find the courage to ask for help until much later and when we did attempt with our remaining embryos, it obviously didn't work.
So this season of joy, of giving thanks, feels like a double ended sword. Of course we are thankful for all that we have.
To those who are in a similar situation, I share your grief. I appreciate your struggle and I am here for you in this season of your life. Sometimes, I feel like we are living proof of the Imposter Syndrome. How dare I grieve for our lost embryos when I have a perfectly healthy, overly fiesty three year old. The struggle is real in many ways and I respect each of you in each stage of your struggle.
You are in our hearts as we welcome 2018.
xo
Mama Porch
But still.
My heart hurts.
For the four babies who simply weren't. Couldn't be. 2017 wasn't our year.
For the desire to add more children to our hot mess express.
While there are absolutely times midst argument with Charlotte (Lord help me in the future) I simply cannot fathom adding another tiny fighter to our group, I also am grieving the loss of what could have been. I didn't know I wanted 5 children until I had 5 embryos. My motto before IVF was that I would see how bad childbirth was before I agreed to future children; Charlotte was amazing and perfect and I knew I wanted more well before her first birthday. Depression set in and I didn't find the courage to ask for help until much later and when we did attempt with our remaining embryos, it obviously didn't work.
So this season of joy, of giving thanks, feels like a double ended sword. Of course we are thankful for all that we have.
To those who are in a similar situation, I share your grief. I appreciate your struggle and I am here for you in this season of your life. Sometimes, I feel like we are living proof of the Imposter Syndrome. How dare I grieve for our lost embryos when I have a perfectly healthy, overly fiesty three year old. The struggle is real in many ways and I respect each of you in each stage of your struggle.
You are in our hearts as we welcome 2018.
xo
Mama Porch
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