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The desire

I've heard that you will know when your family is complete... that your heart will feel content and you will just... know.

My history as an infertile leaves me feeling super uneasy about this. We know we want to have a sibling for Charlotte but we're not sure how that might look for us. I feel conflicted having such woeful feelings when I am so incredibly lucky to be watching Charlotte grow and change. I am that sweet girl's Mamamamamama and for that I am forever thankful. But I want more. And I know that when we're ready, it's likely to require medical intervention.

The feelings of jealousy creep up when others post their pregnancy announcement or bump updates, even though I was that girl not too long ago. It feels selfish to feel this way, you know? I'm happy for my friends but there's that nagging feeling already. I'm going to be 32 this year and the clock is ticking. I can barely get my bum off the floor when I'm down there playing with Charlotte. I can't imagine 5 years will be kind to my joints. 

Being a mama is the best feeling and I am constantly thinking of those who continue to struggle with infertility. It's like climbing out of the trenches only to find yourself in the next one.

The hormones are legit and I am likely feeling wistful because my baby is looking more and more like the toddler she is & I know that it's not likely going to be any time soon that I again have that new baby smell to huff.

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