Skip to main content

What if? An infertility song.

Holy. Pregnancy. Announcements.

I received 2 Christmas cards with pregnancy announcements (SO CUTE!) and have seen several more on Facebook.  We even have one in our family (Ryan's side, cousin, calm down everyone else).

But here's the thing.

It's not us.

And while I am over the moon happy for our family & friends, I am back to those old familiar feelings for myself:

g r i e f
m o u r n i n g
s a d d n e s s 
a n x i e t y 
j e a l o u s y
s o r r o w

The nasty feelings of infertility always creep up on me.  I feel selfish because I have a downright perfect kiddo following me around at any given moment, but I loved being pregnant (except that heartburn) so much and I have enjoyed the baby stages so much that as Charlotte gets older and more independent (and significantly less babyish), I long for another baby.  And then I remember those haunting odds... "Less than a 1% chance naturally."

We were so crazy fortunate with our first round of IVF, Ryan's insurance covered almost everything and our out of pocket was embarrassingly low.  We had success with our first transfer.  Everything was SO PERFECT.

We don't have that insurance anymore. This one is kind of a misnomer; we will have Ryan's new insurance which appears to cover some of the costs, but we have to make sure they will cover an FET from a previous cycle; insurance companies suck like that.

What if I have endometriosis again?  I have had some side pains that remind me of 2009 and the memories of hormone treatment are too much to bear sometimes.  I only had to stay strong for myself back then and could allow myself to have days when I didn't do anything -- that's a luxury that's long gone.

What if an FET doesn't work? Am I mentally prepared for that kind of let down after such a smashing success with our first transfer?

What if we try 4 FET cycles and still nothing? Would we do IVF again?  Could we afford to?  Would we want to?  At what age do we stop trying? I can literally feel my clock ticking.

What if Charlotte is our only baby?  Have I savored every baby moment?  I like to think I have, but it seems so faded already.  I can barely remember her new baby smell and every time I see her smooshy face on Timehop, it's a reminder that she's changing every single day.

It's a dark place.  I try very hard not to linger there too long.  There's a toddler to smother with love.  But what if there could be siblings for her to smother with love as well?

The feelings you guys, the feelings....

xx
Mama Porch


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The neighborhood gem

We have lived in our current place for about 2.5 years. Sunday marked the first time EVER that we walked to the neighborhood park and participated in open swim at the pool. I don't know why it took so long... maybe because we're not usually here on the weekends? Not sure. But Sunday was such a gorgeous day that we couldn't resist the urge to be outside but this preggo needed to be cool. I mentioned the pool and called to find out deets (hours, type of swim, fee, etc) and we slipped on our suits & were out the door in no time! We had been working all morning to assemble baby gear and catch up on laundry so we welcomed the break. We spent about an hour soaking up the sun and floating around in the water. We really aren't going anywhere (no more trips to the cabin or Green Bay for me) between now and the baby's arrival so I suspect that if the weather is nice, we'll be more likely to consider the pool.  Hey, it's clean, free, and close to home. Can...

Maternity Pictures

I let out the biggest squeal of joy when I went to get the mail today and found this package waiting for me! Seriously, I've been stalking Bobbi's life and seeing everyone's amazing teasers was making me so much more excited to get our pictures!  I'm so happy to share the amazing work done by Bobbi at The Salty Peanut.  I highly recommend her to all of my Wisconsinite friends, particularly those in the Madison area, though she's willing to travel.  Check out the website here  and let her know that Mrs. Porch sent you her way!  Her work speaks for itself so I won't gush too much...... I seriously cannot pick a favorite.  So I'm not going to.  But you can!  :) Just 19 days until Baby Porch is predicted to arrive!  I'm so happy we got these back before she arrived; it's such a fun way to remember this exciting time in our lives.  And soon, we won't look nearly as well-rested, but we'll have ...

when even the doctor feels badly for you

went for the repeat ultrasound yesterday with my heart filled with positive thoughts and feelings just to find out that my uterine lining is WAY too thick to move forward. in fact, dr. b was worried because my uterus and ovaries seem to be having different conversations about where they are in my cycle. blood was drawn and results revealed that i hadn't ovulated and so, my dear friends, i am back on birth control for an undetermined length of time. the short version of this paragraph:  i didn't bleed enough this month so i have to do it again. you know it's rough when even the doctor has that sad look in her eyes and wraps up the appointment with, "I feel so bad for you, it's just one thing after another." that's why i like her, to be honest. let's not sugar coat this process and let's skip the whole "we'll get 'em next time, tiger" pep talk. it sucks. and we're allowed to feel that, my fellow infertility peeps. it's o...