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What if? An infertility song.

Holy. Pregnancy. Announcements.

I received 2 Christmas cards with pregnancy announcements (SO CUTE!) and have seen several more on Facebook.  We even have one in our family (Ryan's side, cousin, calm down everyone else).

But here's the thing.

It's not us.

And while I am over the moon happy for our family & friends, I am back to those old familiar feelings for myself:

g r i e f
m o u r n i n g
s a d d n e s s 
a n x i e t y 
j e a l o u s y
s o r r o w

The nasty feelings of infertility always creep up on me.  I feel selfish because I have a downright perfect kiddo following me around at any given moment, but I loved being pregnant (except that heartburn) so much and I have enjoyed the baby stages so much that as Charlotte gets older and more independent (and significantly less babyish), I long for another baby.  And then I remember those haunting odds... "Less than a 1% chance naturally."

We were so crazy fortunate with our first round of IVF, Ryan's insurance covered almost everything and our out of pocket was embarrassingly low.  We had success with our first transfer.  Everything was SO PERFECT.

We don't have that insurance anymore. This one is kind of a misnomer; we will have Ryan's new insurance which appears to cover some of the costs, but we have to make sure they will cover an FET from a previous cycle; insurance companies suck like that.

What if I have endometriosis again?  I have had some side pains that remind me of 2009 and the memories of hormone treatment are too much to bear sometimes.  I only had to stay strong for myself back then and could allow myself to have days when I didn't do anything -- that's a luxury that's long gone.

What if an FET doesn't work? Am I mentally prepared for that kind of let down after such a smashing success with our first transfer?

What if we try 4 FET cycles and still nothing? Would we do IVF again?  Could we afford to?  Would we want to?  At what age do we stop trying? I can literally feel my clock ticking.

What if Charlotte is our only baby?  Have I savored every baby moment?  I like to think I have, but it seems so faded already.  I can barely remember her new baby smell and every time I see her smooshy face on Timehop, it's a reminder that she's changing every single day.

It's a dark place.  I try very hard not to linger there too long.  There's a toddler to smother with love.  But what if there could be siblings for her to smother with love as well?

The feelings you guys, the feelings....

xx
Mama Porch


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