Skip to main content

What if? An infertility song.

Holy. Pregnancy. Announcements.

I received 2 Christmas cards with pregnancy announcements (SO CUTE!) and have seen several more on Facebook.  We even have one in our family (Ryan's side, cousin, calm down everyone else).

But here's the thing.

It's not us.

And while I am over the moon happy for our family & friends, I am back to those old familiar feelings for myself:

g r i e f
m o u r n i n g
s a d d n e s s 
a n x i e t y 
j e a l o u s y
s o r r o w

The nasty feelings of infertility always creep up on me.  I feel selfish because I have a downright perfect kiddo following me around at any given moment, but I loved being pregnant (except that heartburn) so much and I have enjoyed the baby stages so much that as Charlotte gets older and more independent (and significantly less babyish), I long for another baby.  And then I remember those haunting odds... "Less than a 1% chance naturally."

We were so crazy fortunate with our first round of IVF, Ryan's insurance covered almost everything and our out of pocket was embarrassingly low.  We had success with our first transfer.  Everything was SO PERFECT.

We don't have that insurance anymore. This one is kind of a misnomer; we will have Ryan's new insurance which appears to cover some of the costs, but we have to make sure they will cover an FET from a previous cycle; insurance companies suck like that.

What if I have endometriosis again?  I have had some side pains that remind me of 2009 and the memories of hormone treatment are too much to bear sometimes.  I only had to stay strong for myself back then and could allow myself to have days when I didn't do anything -- that's a luxury that's long gone.

What if an FET doesn't work? Am I mentally prepared for that kind of let down after such a smashing success with our first transfer?

What if we try 4 FET cycles and still nothing? Would we do IVF again?  Could we afford to?  Would we want to?  At what age do we stop trying? I can literally feel my clock ticking.

What if Charlotte is our only baby?  Have I savored every baby moment?  I like to think I have, but it seems so faded already.  I can barely remember her new baby smell and every time I see her smooshy face on Timehop, it's a reminder that she's changing every single day.

It's a dark place.  I try very hard not to linger there too long.  There's a toddler to smother with love.  But what if there could be siblings for her to smother with love as well?

The feelings you guys, the feelings....

xx
Mama Porch


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

It is not 1950; I do not vacuum in pearls.

Hi, it's me - I know it's been a while, but I've been deep inside that bubble I mentioned when everything first happened in November 2020 and I am starting to emerge having done some serious healing and navigating within the trauma of being a suicide survivor and a sole parent. This has nothing to do with that though. I'm dumping this thought here because I need it documented: You know how the conservative crowd tends to use "Well I don't have any children, why should I help pay for the schools?" and "People are just too lazy to work, I don't know why we need social services to help people pay for their child care and food?" I'm noticing those are the same voices I hear in restaurants complaining that there are no servers. No bartenders. No one available to change their oil or to do other trade work. And no one to watch their children.  The CEO of the company I work for posted a big response about how child care is the gatekeeper to folks...

35 weeks = 35 days to go!

We might have a name picked out (nothing like waiting until the last minute).  We're not sharing and it's only partly because we want it to be a surprise.  It's also because I'm a little nervous that we'll change our minds when we meet her.  Though I'm like 95% sure she will fit right into this name.  It's perfect and I love it. I also think I started nesting this week.  I got home on Monday night and went to town cleaning, organizing, everything.  We have her crib ready for her, which seems funny because I'm pretty sure she'll be hanging with us in our room for a while ;)  Her room is coming together, things are getting put away and organized and it makes me so happy! How far along?  35 weeks Progress:   None.  Cervix is closed, she hasn't dropped -- she ain't goin' no where anytime soon. Total weight gain:   I've gained 19 pounds total (my guess is that's 59% Drumsticks -- which I have found a replacement for:   ...

The neighborhood gem

We have lived in our current place for about 2.5 years. Sunday marked the first time EVER that we walked to the neighborhood park and participated in open swim at the pool. I don't know why it took so long... maybe because we're not usually here on the weekends? Not sure. But Sunday was such a gorgeous day that we couldn't resist the urge to be outside but this preggo needed to be cool. I mentioned the pool and called to find out deets (hours, type of swim, fee, etc) and we slipped on our suits & were out the door in no time! We had been working all morning to assemble baby gear and catch up on laundry so we welcomed the break. We spent about an hour soaking up the sun and floating around in the water. We really aren't going anywhere (no more trips to the cabin or Green Bay for me) between now and the baby's arrival so I suspect that if the weather is nice, we'll be more likely to consider the pool.  Hey, it's clean, free, and close to home. Can...