Los Porchs

as i prepare myself for the big 3-5 tomorrow, i spent the evening staring down a vial of progesterone in oil (PIO) and the syringe i'd need for this intramuscular devil's work. i put some ice on my gorgeous pre-drawn triangle (hats off to the nurse who made me look like a jack-o-lantern with a triangle on each side of my body), took a deep breath, and did the damn thing.  i didn't hurt any more than the stimulation cycle injections which were subcutaneous, though maybe it was beginner's luck. whatever it was, it didn't make me cry. transfer is scheduled for tuesday afternoon and then it's 10 days of waiting for the blood test. if we get a positive, i get to keep on keepin' on with these shots for 10 more weeks! if not, i get to take a break from the shots and try again later. like a boss.  a jack-o-lantern boss. not today, satan. xo mama porch

I had a baseline ultrasound (day 2 of cycle) yesterday and I nearly fell off the exam table when I heard the words, "everything looks really good!" i felt like i had to look around the room to figure out who dr. b was talking to because surely, with my history, it's not me. but it was! we are moving forward so i am now taking estradiol and hoping for a nice thick uterine lining (i wonder if you ever imagined you'd be learning so much about a woman's cycle). i go back towards the end of the month and if things continue to be in our favor, we can hope for a frozen embryo transfer in this cycle, so possibly early october. i am trying to be optimistic, even though it's a challenge. send good thoughts! d

On the weeks that I close, I get to take Charlie to school for drop-off.  But then there's about an hour between when I get home & when I have to be at work.  It's a weird feeling. I feel slightly lost because an hour is a lot of time, but seemingly not enough time to feel able to dig in & get started on something meaningful. I'm also wondering what it would be like to have a day *off* from work and not have C here with me; this has never happened before and I already feel anxious just thinking about all that time alone.  I need to find more staff at work and get things going before I take a day off, but this knowledge that it's possible is exciting. xo D

when i was preparing for my return to work after i had charlotte, i remember staying up as late as possible because i wasn't ready to face the morning when I'd have to hand my baby to someone else. it's 10:41pm and tomorrow i have to hand my baby to someone else in a place that i don't work, in a place where i didn't hire the staff. i won't be able to peek in and see how she's doing. i won't be able to jump in if she needs something. i won't be in the building. public schools scare the ever-living shit out of me. yep. even my anti-anxiety meds cannot protect me from this feeling. i have seen too many parents sobbing on the news, begging our administration to make changes to keep our babies safe only to hear the higher ups call them snowflakes. my child, my 1 and only baby, will walk into a place in which i cannot shield her. and i have to make sure my baby has no idea i feel this way. i am cheering and sharing her excitement as she gleefully talks