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The audacious notion of hope

I have come to realize that my life now centers around the audacious notion of hope.  Negative attitudes suck and get us no where, I know this.  I try to stay positive.  Sadly, at times, I even try not to hope.  Hope gets me just about as far as a shitty attitude.  There's a science to this dance that I'm just not understanding. Though for those of you who have known me for a while know that I have never had a good grasp on science.  I got through advanced physics and am pleased to be done with such coursework.

There's just something soul-wrenching in the repeated action of building up hope, peeing on a stick, and watching carefully as only one line appears on that stupid mother fucking test.  I get to be a little salty, I think I deserve that much, so go ahead and save your bullshit comments pointing out that swearing makes me sound uneducated.  I'm probably more educated than you and I love the word fuck.  It's a great word and right now, it's the best fit for my message. You are more than welcome to judge me quietly in your own home.  

So here I am with my mixed ball of emotions -- hope (gah, WHY!?), fear, excitement, skepticism, anger, jealousy, and sadness.  It's a pretty classy mix and when one hopes to be or thinks she might be with child she ought not drink that ball of emotions away.  So I'm drinking it away with tea and hope (there it is again) for good news or, at the very least, relaxation.  It's such a shitty game and really gets me upset about how careful I was to avoid getting pregnant early in our relationship.  I wonder if I hadn't been so careful if we would have had better odds (we were a touch younger back in the day) for making babies.  I don't know.  I mean, what a terrible thought, right?

GAHHH .

If the prize at the end didn't seem so damn fabulous, I would probably give up.  All I can say is that if we do ever (finally) conceive, this baby better be a chunky monkey who sleeps through the night.

xoxo

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