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The other side

It's weird over here, on the other side of the infertility line.  When we go to our appointments, we sit in the waiting room with other woman who may or may not have had struggle to conceive.  I mean, we don't wear an I on our clothing to mark us as infertile.  Once you finally find success in treatment, you're kind of thrust into the mainstream and "good luck!"  I can't quite describe it and I sometimes feel like a fraud because we only did 1 cycle of IVF and our fresh transfer worked.  There are women out there who are on 2nd or 3rd (or more) cycles of IVF and have done fresh transfers and frozen transfers.  It makes it really hard to feel like a member of this culture even though, by definition, we are very much a part of it.  Four years to make a baby?  We're in.

It's so strange when the nurse calls with test results of any kind and says "You passed with flying colors."  Really?  I'm so used to hearing there's something wrong with me that I have forgotten what normal feels like.  I'm so used to getting bad news and then working our way through it that I still have these moments of doubt.  I hold my breath at the start of every ultrasound.  What if something is wrong?  There is an audible exhale each and every time she pops up on the screen, moving and shaking for Dr. G.

We know that when we're ready for our next nugget(s), we will likely be returning to Dr. TK and that it likely won't happen the very first transfer.  We have 4 remaining snowflake embabies (they're frozen).  

All I know in this moment is that I am this baby girl's mom and she is fluttering around in the ol' uterus.  And she is more loved that I could have ever imagined & I haven't even seen her face yet.  We see Dr. G at the end of the month for her 20-week ultrasound & we'll see how things are going in there.  I feel at peace and less anxious that I have in a long time.  It's a good place to be.

xo

Comments

  1. I completely understand how you feel. We also got pregnant off our first IVF-ICSI fresh treatment. I am shocked when the nurse calls and tells me everything is fine because I'm so used to those calls with bad news. But just like you, I am enjoying having my little girl kicking and dancing in my tummy :) Nothing is better is there?

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    1. Welcome back from your amazing vacation! So jealous that you got some sunshine!! Looks like you had a good time :) I'm finally starting to bask in the joy of being pregnant & while I still wonder sometimes, "Is that her?" I know the feeling of her movements will only get more intense & I am so excited!

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