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Fear

You guys are amazing.  I love how many of you reached out after my last post to check in and learn more about our plans and just to share how the post impacted you.  You're the best.  For real. xo  I also didn't expect that post to pull so many readers into our loop, but if you're here because you read one of those last few posts, welcome to the shit show.

I realized that there's something holding me back from being ready for the FET (frozen embryo transfer) and it's something bigger than I expected:  fear.  It's hard to be brave and prepare yourself for the unknown.  Infertility comes with baggage and it's not just the physical (ask anyone who has endured the injections)... the emotional baggage is legit and it far exceeds carry-on regulations. See what I did there?  GAWD I'm so punny -- I totally get it from my mother, so please don't judge me.

It's the kind of baggage that leaves you shell-shocked and drained.  Our great fortune was finding success on our first round; this isn't common and I wasn't emotionally prepared for that either.  I am a master at building walls to keep myself safe.  I doubted everything and was paranoid the entire pregnancy that something would go wrong, that I surely couldn't be that person who finds (and keeps) happiness.

Fear is a monster that paralyzes me.  

{For example, it keeps me from decorating the extra bedroom as an office}

Me:  I don't want to commit to making it an office just to make it into a nursery...
Fear: stfu, you're never going to get pregnant or need a nursery.
Me: Sure.  Maybe I'll just do nothing with this room instead.  Yep, a perfectly empty useable space. For nothing.

They don't really warn you about the mental health issues surrounding infertility.  Let's face it, most folks don't talk about mental health period until something tragic happens and then we all stand back and think "Whoa.  How did no one notice this brewing?"  That's the thing with mental health -- it's fragile and it's hidden.

When we speak out about these big feelings, people look at us strangely because "You've got it all together!" and "You look fine." I'm not wandering about my house in a bathrobe, guys.  My life is not an anti-depressant commercial.  Rather, my life is a battle to embrace the happy moments and keep the fear at bay.  A fight to be brave.

Sharing our story is one way that I can work through those big, scary feelings and prepare myself for the next step.  We're almost ready for an FET.  I'll tell you more about that next time!

xo
Mama Porch

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