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People are not getting pregnant at me.

I thought it would get easier.  When we started our journey, I just wanted to get past that label of infertility and have our baby and life would be perfect.  It's not perfect.  It's amazingly and deliriously imperfect and I love everything about my cheeky monkey.  Somehow though, after jumping through all of those hoops and hitting rock bottom and climbing back up, that label has stuck.  The monthly moment of despair as we realize not only are we not pregnant, we were foolish to think we could have been.

Baby showers also don't get easier.  If anything, I think it's gotten harder.  I now know the excitement and anticipation of waiting for your tiny human to arrive.  I have gotten drunk on the smell of fresh diapers and Dreft laundry detergent.  I know the joy of wearing that tiny person around.  I know what I'm missing out on.  But I know how ecstatic this new mom is as well and I remind myself that we don't know everyone's full story and maybe the family was in a similar situation.  Maybe this mama is celebrating her rainbow baby and what a bitch I would be not to celebrate something that amazing.

It's everywhere.  Literally everyone is pregnant - except me.  I've had 2 people in the past week share their news with fear in their eyes as they were both unplanned.  I think babies are amazing and I shared my excitement with the mamas and reassured them that they could do this again (they are both already mamas) and that it will be a great adventure.  And then I walk away, with a heavy heart and wonder if I'm ever going to have that experience again.  I remind myself that people are not getting pregnant at me.  They are living their lives without the burden of infertility and I am a supporting character (at best) in their stories.  There is more than one story; mine is not the only one being written.

And so, I squeeze my sassy 2-year-old just a little tighter and baby her just as long as she'll let me.  You can judge my parenting all you'd like.  But if she is my only child, I'm going to savor it all.  Sadly, babies don't keep and mine is long gone.




xo
Mama Porch
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Comments

  1. Favorite TeachMay 5, 2017 at 8:44 AM

    You are 100% accurate and we pray for you every day on your journey! It isn't easy to think about will there be another or not and the journey never gets easier. Just have to trust that the right answer is yet to come and sometimes is the answer you want but think of the amazing things you have done for Miss Charlie and the incredible woman she is going to become because of YOU! Stay strong mama!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Favorite TeachMay 5, 2017 at 8:45 AM

    PS not sure why my comment name is Favorite Teach from Google lol but hey its me Tia!

    ReplyDelete

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