Los Porchs

... sometimes when you're alone and all you do is think... i'm a cowboy... wait, nope. no, that's not right. folks, i'm down to my last week of birth controls pills and i am beyond pumped about it. it means that in a short amount of time, i will have another period (oh the joys) and then i can finally, and i mean finally , start a frozen embryo transfer protocol. in case you missed it, l ast cycle things were still a touch wonky in the ol' ut and the lining held tight when it shouldn't have so the whole thing was deemed a loss and we had to restart the pill. the irony is not lost on me - thinking back to just how many birth control pills i've taken in my life, hoping to prevent the very thing i am now fighting to experience. life is funny.  not like funny haha, more of a funny weird situation these days. we are going to lay low this weekend and enjoy some time at home before school starts - yep, my itty bitty isn't so itty bitty and has found hers

went for the repeat ultrasound yesterday with my heart filled with positive thoughts and feelings just to find out that my uterine lining is WAY too thick to move forward. in fact, dr. b was worried because my uterus and ovaries seem to be having different conversations about where they are in my cycle. blood was drawn and results revealed that i hadn't ovulated and so, my dear friends, i am back on birth control for an undetermined length of time. the short version of this paragraph:  i didn't bleed enough this month so i have to do it again. you know it's rough when even the doctor has that sad look in her eyes and wraps up the appointment with, "I feel so bad for you, it's just one thing after another." that's why i like her, to be honest. let's not sugar coat this process and let's skip the whole "we'll get 'em next time, tiger" pep talk. it sucks. and we're allowed to feel that, my fellow infertility peeps. it's o

today i had my baseline ultrasound and my uterine lining is still too thick; they are threatening to cancel the FET cycle and put me back on the birth control for another month. i feel like i'm hitting road block after road block. it is so frustrating to be so close and to have something like this set me back. it's literally out of my control how thick the lining of my uterus is - listen, i never envisioned myself to be sitting here, casually chattin' about my reproductive organs and their happenings, but here we are... what a tuesday, amirite?! i have to wait and if there is no additional bleeding, the cycle is over & i am back to the pill. if there's any kind of hope in the form of bleeding, i have a repeat ultrasound on friday. i am all about hope but i am struggling to keep a grip on it today.  speaking of situations that remind you of your need to get a grip, i registered bug for 4k today.  yep. my kid is going to public school in like 20 days and i just ac

the feeling of the walls closing in around me and standing alone in time and space... even when my loved ones are literally within arm's reach. how does that even happen? the feeling of knowing just how much i need to accomplish and feeling frozen, unable to begin a single one of those tasks... today has been a rough day, friends. i am more than ready for the weekend to be here! -d

It's not lost on me that when Charlotte came into our lives, I started using "Mama Porch" and abandoned the good old fashioned "Mrs. Porch." This is an issue for me as a mom, a wife, and a human being. I have many official titles to go with the roles I have in my family and work life.  I don't know why I feel I have to use Mama like it's my only role. I struggle so, so much, friends, with the idea that I am something other than (more than?) Charlotte's mom. I love my Mama Bear status, there's no denying that, but I can't help but feel like it has cast a shadow on other, equally important roles. How do you all balance the roles? I'm not talkin' "get a good organizer" or "have a date night" -- to me, this is a deeper conflict. Maybe this doesn't make sense; maybe you're reading it thinking Damn girl, go grab your coffee and get yo' shit together .  Or maybe, just maybe, you're reading it and wonderi