So much ughhhh

After a stay in the NICU early on, today's shots sucked but I immediately got to hold my baby & nurse her to console her. She was back to smiling in no time. She probably won't ever trust that MA again, but I was proud of both of us. It made me think about the mommas with babies in the NICU & that dull ache of longing to hold your baby but not being able to snuggle. I'm so thankful for my now healthy baby & for the team at Children's who supported her. Even though she wasn't "critical," she was in the NICU for a reason and it was hard.

... the shots weren't the hardest part of today's visit. The worst part was trying not to freak as the pediatrician starts asking me questions about C's arms and does she always favor her right arm? As I looked down at C on the exam table, I notice she isnt really moving her left arm. Immediately, without a moment of hesitation, I feel like shit. How the hell have I not noticed this? And then she points out the beginning of a flat spot on the side of her head because yep, she favors the right side. Whenever I go into her room at night, she's sleeping with her head to the right. So.

Imagine me trying so very hard not to assess my child. Not to think of how the IFSP would be written. Not to freak the f@$! out.  Deep breaths. Walk home. Play with baby. I tried so hard not to assess her as a newborn that I may have totally turned off the blinders.

After I finish processing what this means... there will be copious amounts of tummy time and effective immediately, she's sleeping at the other end of the crib (which worked). I feel like I set C back because I snuggled her so damn much when we were home together for those 6 weeks, but I'm not sure I feel badly about loving my baby so much. Porch & I just have some homework as she goes back next month to monitor her muscle tone.

Momma needs some wine.
Xoxo