Los Porchs

Football announcer: We'll check in on Chi town for an update. Me: Gahhhh! I HATE when people call it Chi-town. Shaddup already! Charlie: Chi-towwwwwnnnnnnn (in her best cutie pie voice) And THAT'S how I got taunted by a three-year-old.

Tonight, I am preparing myself for the big goodbye.  To let go of someone whom I have known and loved deeply my entire life.  This has been difficult and not all at once.  He lived such a long and meaningful life and touched so many lives in his years... it hurts to let someone like that go. It stings every time Charlotte randomly interjects "Why your grandpa dieeee?" or "My mama's grandpa died." She's three and has not encountered death yet in her short little life.  I think most of my anxiety about the funeral tomorrow is her -- how do you explain death?  Why is everyone crying?  Why isn't grandpa moving?  Why is he in there?  Not to mention that we are not church-goers so being in mass will be a new experience for her anyway.  She doesn't know that we have to sit quietly and listen.  I worry that she shouldn't be there.  I worry that she won't be there; that this is somehow a formative experience for her.   ...

Mmm k. Gonna need my little squish to slow her roll and stop growing. Tonight I ran away to Target because C needed new pants & I was excited (see also: horrified, devastated, so so sad) to realize she can wear clothes from the big girl section and we don't have to be exclusive to the toddler section. Grabbed her first (how the heck is this possible?!) pair of legit jeans. Found more big girl socks and underwear too... potty training is moving along nicely. We stopped four times? Three times? This weekend on our way to the cabin. I love watching her grow... I just need her to stay sweet and some days even that's a battle. Mamas unite! Xo Mama Porch

Got to break up a geriatic knife fight today at Sendiks. yup, both had walkers and all. I went in to get some bday supplies (bourbon and octoberfest) and noticed an old black genteman with a walker being gestured at by an old white guy in a Malibu. Didn't think anything of it. I come back out, and they're arguingin the aisle directly behind my truck. I pause to see what's happening and it quickly becomes apparent that there is drama. It appears the old white guy started following the old black guy on the freeway, and he pulled into Sendiks to ditch him. The old white apparently waited for him to come back out. It seems the old white guy thought he knew the old black guy and was pissed about something. He kept insisting that the old black guy lived in Muskego, despite him saying he's lived in the same house in Milwaukee for 35 years. They proceed to calling each other crazy (they are) and the old white guy opens a knife saying "this is how i deal with crazy peop...

It's been a while since I've stopped moving long enough to post but wanted to share a quick update before I go wrestle my now three-year-old to sleep. We attempted another transfer immediately after our failed cycle.  We went into it optimistic and hopeful.  Unfortunately, that cycle resulted in a BFN (big fat negative) as well.  Better yet, I failed to shed the supped-up lining and was still over 9 when I went for the ultrasound on day 4 -- I have yet to shed the lining and am now patiently waiting for the start of a new cycle so I can get back on the horse and attempt an additional transfer.  For those keeping score, we presently have 2 remaining embabies. Other than that, we've been quite busy chasing around Charlotte and with projects around the house.  We got new appliances, which is wonderful because some of the old stuff was truly falling apart.  We considered doing new cabinets and countertops, but have decided to put that on the back burner u...

Thank you everyone for your sweet, sweet messages after our last post.  We really embraced the idea that there was nothing we could do to make it go one way or the other and that certainly has helped in dealing with the sense of loss.  Because it is a loss.  Ultimately, we gave a healthy 5-day embryo a fair shake at implantation and ultimately, life.  Obviously better odds than remaining frozen in Chicago or Milwaukee.  We're moving on and feeling thankful for the opportunity to try rather than dwell on the sense of loss. And I was all good in the hood you guys... until I saw my RE again this week and he expressed his "condolences on our miscarriage."  The word hit me like a stake in the heart.  I suddenly felt so much grief.  Maybe it was because someone else was saying it or maybe it was because I had never even once associated a failed transfer with miscarriage... either way, it stung.  To be clear, I still don't consider it a miscarriag...

And they're exactly what I suspected.  Today we got our beta test results back and I felt worse for the young lady who had to call to tell me it was negative than I did for myself to be honest.  It sucks, but I find peace in knowing that we tried.  The thought of 4 frozen embryos never being used made me sad to the point where I didn't even want to try naturally because I was afraid that I'd have to figure out what to do with our frozen babies!  I feel thankful that we were able to try and give that embryo a fair shake.  It just didn't work out. So now we have to decide when we want to try again and get our ducks in a row for that process.  :)  It's going to sting for a while, but I heard my body saying that baby just wasn't there... I'm thankful for a team who was so kind and tender in how they delivered the news; it's something that can't be taught and it means the world.  :) Happy weekend! Mama Porch (Embryos remaining:  3)