Skip to main content

Never been more nervous

Honestly, the last time I was this anxious about a cycle starting, it was my first cycle in middle school.  While laying in bed this morning, hitting snooze for the zillionth time, I just felt... bleh.  I knew what was comin' for me so I dragged myself out of bed and got ready for work.  I made the calls that I now find necessary:  the insurance company and the doctor's office.  I want everyone on the same page of the same book so that when the moment is here (like it now is), we're ready to move forward and we won't ever have to wait another 35 days to get to the next step.  It's my goal.  It's perhaps not realistic, but whatever, I'm clinging to it.  I think the lady at the insurance company felt bad for me.  Here's why:  "Oh Danielle, honey, you don't have to call for pre-authorization, that's the doctor's job."  Ma'am, with all due respect, I am not going to leave my fate in a stranger's hands and would rather check-in myself and know with certainty that when I go for my HSG it's covered.  I don't need that kind of surprise in my life right now.

So it's scheduled.  The HSG and ultrasound and all the fun blood work a gal could hope for will be done on Thursday.  Then (hopefully) we'll know what we're really working with and can move forward.  This HSG will tell us if I have scar tissue on my Fallopian tubes or not.  If I do, I get to go past go and head straight to IVF.  If not, we'll be dabbling in IUI.  I'm not really even sure which outcome I want at this point as one means I have scar tissue from a surgery that emotionally scarred me for life and the other means I'm likely going to have to endure a few rounds of IUI before we get to break out the big guns (which Karma dictates I'll need).

In the meantime, I have work and school to keep my mind busy.  Like crazy busy.  Like almost burst into tears during a meeting busy.  I don't know how to keep all of the balls in the air without dropping one.  I can't juggle, anyone who knows me in real life could probably guess that much.  Anxiety seems to be sneaking into my life lately.  I'm ready for some answers and certainty.

xoxo

Labels:

Comments

  1. JulieSeptember 17, 2013 at 8:14 PM

    Good luck! I hope you get some answers and I know how you feel about wanting something horrible like scarring on your Fallopian tubes...at least then you have a direction and a plan. Thinking about you!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It is not 1950; I do not vacuum in pearls.

Hi, it's me - I know it's been a while, but I've been deep inside that bubble I mentioned when everything first happened in November 2020 and I am starting to emerge having done some serious healing and navigating within the trauma of being a suicide survivor and a sole parent. This has nothing to do with that though. I'm dumping this thought here because I need it documented: You know how the conservative crowd tends to use "Well I don't have any children, why should I help pay for the schools?" and "People are just too lazy to work, I don't know why we need social services to help people pay for their child care and food?" I'm noticing those are the same voices I hear in restaurants complaining that there are no servers. No bartenders. No one available to change their oil or to do other trade work. And no one to watch their children.  The CEO of the company I work for posted a big response about how child care is the gatekeeper to folks
Post a Comment
Read more

Changing of the Seasons

We are approaching the one-year anniversary of when Ryan completed suicide. It brings a lot of emotions and feelings and memories and honestly - exhaustion. I have spent the last year in therapy digging myself out of a lot of those feelings and learning how to be Danie and not Porch and Danie. There have been a lot (!) of tears, a lot of me yelling at Ryan, cursing his name for leaving me to parent alone, a lot of wondering what comes next for the girl gang, a lot of rebuilding. But we're here. I'm here. And arguably stronger than ever (though not physically - listen, I eat my feelings and will work on that side of things later -- DO NOT SEND ME MLM BS ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT). I am much more aware of myself and the girls and more emotionally present than I've ever been. Those girls have been my light through some really dark shit. The seasons are changing. We are almost through our season of "firsts." And if you know, you know. If you don't, you're quite fort
Post a Comment
Read more

Charlotte's birth story

Thank goodness this isn't my 40 week update; I was really nervous that I'd have to write one of those and even possibly the dreaded 41 week update!  Today was her due date, but we got to meet her just a little early.  Charlotte Esther joined our family at 2:07am on Friday, August 8th... and changed our lives forever.  There's now a squishy baby who calls for us and loves nothing more than snuggling on our chests.  We are, in fact, living the dream.  A dream 4 years in the making and worth every moment.  My heart is so full of love for Charlotte and I am so excited to see how she grows and changes. I have always enjoyed reading the birth stories of my blogger friends' babies and felt it gave me hope as it was the final moment in the battle against infertility, the crossing of a finish line.  So today, in celebration of love and this chubby cheeked baby girl, I share with you the story of Charlotte's birth. Charlotte's Birth Story... I woke up Thursday morni
3 comments
Read more