Los Porchs

The lights, the presents.. the joy.. there's so much to be enjoyed and celebrated this time of year.  We are so thankful for the three-nager who makes every day a challenge and the pup who brings us the weirdest occurrences of the zoomies. But still. My heart hurts. For the four babies who simply weren't.  Couldn't be.  2017 wasn't our year. For the desire to add more children to our hot mess express. While there are absolutely times midst argument with Charlotte (Lord help me in the future) I simply cannot fathom adding another tiny fighter to our group, I also am grieving the loss of what could have been.  I didn't know I wanted 5 children until I had 5 embryos.  My motto before IVF was that I would see how bad childbirth was before I agreed to future children; Charlotte was amazing and perfect and I knew I wanted more well before her first birthday. Depression set in and I didn't find the courage to ask for help until much later and when we did atte

Day 2 This is one of those situations where Archer feels like he's been ours his entire life but here we are, barely 24 hours into the ride.  Much like Charlie, his body leads one to believe he is much older (and therefore wiser) than he actually is at this time.  He walks really nicely on the leash and has seemingly figured out where to poop.  Loves to swipe toys, clothes, shoes, remotes, literally anything not permanently attached to furniture.  We spent a lot of our day saying things like, "Oh Archer, you don't need to wear shoes."  and "Archer!  Leave it! We don't eat beds!" He is still very much a puppy and I feel like he is going to be so much fun as a playmate for Charlie, once Charlie stops crying every time he tries to play with her.  To be fair, he has a lot of energy (those zoomies were very real tonight) and has an impressive vertical leap.  I can't wait until he has a better understanding of his yard and we can throw the ball around

If you follow us on Instagram or are our friends on Facebook, you know that Porch & I (and Charlotte) added a new furry member to our family.  His name is Archer Mallory Sterling Porch and he is not only a perfect fit for our family, he is also a welcome distraction. It is with a somber heart that I share our 4th (and final) frozen embryo transfer was not successful.  If Porch and I are to have another baby, we will need to go through the entire IVF process again or find good fortune with a surprise baby the natural way.  If you remember, our initial odds given to us were < 1% per cycle (this is compared to around 30% for a typical couple).  We're taking a few moments to pause and feel thankful that we were able to attempt 4 frozen transfers and I feel a sense of peace knowing that those embryos aren't just sitting around. We'll keep you updated as we move forward but for now, we are enjoying Charlotte's enthusiasm (understatement) for the holiday season as w

Well, Day 1 was largely just Charlie yelling at Prim for being here and Prim following underfoot the entire day. Lots of tears (Charlie cried some too). Approximately 487 reminders to walk. All 3 of us end up in king-sized bed and finally give in to sleep after a 230 sob session about the dog being alive. DAY 2. woken at 12:16am by the sound of a dog dry heaving. Motherly instincts kick in. Put hand out. Realize what's happening and pull it back. Dog pukes on duvet. Half asleep, I scoop the puke up and nearly gag as I hustle to the toilet. Remove duvet and ball up in corner. Immediately return to bed and fall back asleep. It's only 8am. Send coffee. And new episodes of Peppa Pig. And the best dog chew toys that will entertain a 6 month old lab mix until I get her to the park. Xo

Football announcer: We'll check in on Chi town for an update. Me: Gahhhh! I HATE when people call it Chi-town. Shaddup already! Charlie: Chi-towwwwwnnnnnnn (in her best cutie pie voice) And THAT'S how I got taunted by a three-year-old.

Tonight, I am preparing myself for the big goodbye.  To let go of someone whom I have known and loved deeply my entire life.  This has been difficult and not all at once.  He lived such a long and meaningful life and touched so many lives in his years... it hurts to let someone like that go. It stings every time Charlotte randomly interjects "Why your grandpa dieeee?" or "My mama's grandpa died." She's three and has not encountered death yet in her short little life.  I think most of my anxiety about the funeral tomorrow is her -- how do you explain death?  Why is everyone crying?  Why isn't grandpa moving?  Why is he in there?  Not to mention that we are not church-goers so being in mass will be a new experience for her anyway.  She doesn't know that we have to sit quietly and listen.  I worry that she shouldn't be there.  I worry that she won't be there; that this is somehow a formative experience for her.   How amazing is it t

Mmm k. Gonna need my little squish to slow her roll and stop growing. Tonight I ran away to Target because C needed new pants & I was excited (see also: horrified, devastated, so so sad) to realize she can wear clothes from the big girl section and we don't have to be exclusive to the toddler section. Grabbed her first (how the heck is this possible?!) pair of legit jeans. Found more big girl socks and underwear too... potty training is moving along nicely. We stopped four times? Three times? This weekend on our way to the cabin. I love watching her grow... I just need her to stay sweet and some days even that's a battle. Mamas unite! Xo Mama Porch

Got to break up a geriatic knife fight today at Sendiks. yup, both had walkers and all. I went in to get some bday supplies (bourbon and octoberfest) and noticed an old black genteman with a walker being gestured at by an old white guy in a Malibu. Didn't think anything of it. I come back out, and they're arguingin the aisle directly behind my truck. I pause to see what's happening and it quickly becomes apparent that there is drama. It appears the old white guy started following the old black guy on the freeway, and he pulled into Sendiks to ditch him. The old white apparently waited for him to come back out. It seems the old white guy thought he knew the old black guy and was pissed about something. He kept insisting that the old black guy lived in Muskego, despite him saying he's lived in the same house in Milwaukee for 35 years. They proceed to calling each other crazy (they are) and the old white guy opens a knife saying "this is how i deal with crazy peop

It's been a while since I've stopped moving long enough to post but wanted to share a quick update before I go wrestle my now three-year-old to sleep. We attempted another transfer immediately after our failed cycle.  We went into it optimistic and hopeful.  Unfortunately, that cycle resulted in a BFN (big fat negative) as well.  Better yet, I failed to shed the supped-up lining and was still over 9 when I went for the ultrasound on day 4 -- I have yet to shed the lining and am now patiently waiting for the start of a new cycle so I can get back on the horse and attempt an additional transfer.  For those keeping score, we presently have 2 remaining embabies. Other than that, we've been quite busy chasing around Charlotte and with projects around the house.  We got new appliances, which is wonderful because some of the old stuff was truly falling apart.  We considered doing new cabinets and countertops, but have decided to put that on the back burner until we feel bett

Thank you everyone for your sweet, sweet messages after our last post.  We really embraced the idea that there was nothing we could do to make it go one way or the other and that certainly has helped in dealing with the sense of loss.  Because it is a loss.  Ultimately, we gave a healthy 5-day embryo a fair shake at implantation and ultimately, life.  Obviously better odds than remaining frozen in Chicago or Milwaukee.  We're moving on and feeling thankful for the opportunity to try rather than dwell on the sense of loss. And I was all good in the hood you guys... until I saw my RE again this week and he expressed his "condolences on our miscarriage."  The word hit me like a stake in the heart.  I suddenly felt so much grief.  Maybe it was because someone else was saying it or maybe it was because I had never even once associated a failed transfer with miscarriage... either way, it stung.  To be clear, I still don't consider it a miscarriage.  The embryo never impla

And they're exactly what I suspected.  Today we got our beta test results back and I felt worse for the young lady who had to call to tell me it was negative than I did for myself to be honest.  It sucks, but I find peace in knowing that we tried.  The thought of 4 frozen embryos never being used made me sad to the point where I didn't even want to try naturally because I was afraid that I'd have to figure out what to do with our frozen babies!  I feel thankful that we were able to try and give that embryo a fair shake.  It just didn't work out. So now we have to decide when we want to try again and get our ducks in a row for that process.  :)  It's going to sting for a while, but I heard my body saying that baby just wasn't there... I'm thankful for a team who was so kind and tender in how they delivered the news; it's something that can't be taught and it means the world.  :) Happy weekend! Mama Porch (Embryos remaining:  3)

Today I decided to take Charlie in for her persistent back pain.  She complains to me every day about her back hurting and always points to the same dang spot, we're going on weeks if not a month of this now.  Doctor says things look okay but ordered blood work (and you can imagine how well that goes with a 2-year-old).  We tried to do it today but her vein rolled and we didn't have success.  So tomorrow morning, I get to take her to another clinic where she doesn't know anyone and have the draw done there.  To say I'm anxious is probably an understatement.  It's probably nothing, but I also don't want to ignore it and have it be something that would have been easier to address if caught sooner.  And no, I have not once googled this symptom because I do not need Dr. Google to tell me that my kid has some rare bone disease or cancer.  I'll leave that to the experts. For what it's worth, Charlotte was pumped to get a bandage.  We're very much into th

Today marks day 7 of our 10 day wait.  I've been sparing you the drama so I'll just give you the update thus far -- BFN.  Of course, I won't know for sure until Friday's beta test.  I'll go early in the morning so we can get results as soon as possible.  I won't lie, the 10 day wait BLOWS.  And peeing on a stick is addicting.  Just straight up addicting. I'm so thankful that I have Charlotte; she helps remind me that we've found success and if this little one isn't meant to join us, we do have 3 more chances.  And I keep reminding myself that this one was frozen and maybe just needs a little extra time.  And of course, there are many people who have negatives on a home pregnancy test but have a positive beta.  Anything is possible. We've been busy with our daily lives and just kinda chuggin' along!  :)  Charlie has swim tonight and Porch will be with her since I close at work. Until Friday, Mama Porch

Folks, tomorrow at this time, I will officially be PUPA -- pregnant until proven otherwise.  We have our transfer scheduled for 12:45 tomorrow afternoon.  Then comes the torturous two week wait.  I have admittedly been so busy at work and "going shopping" (walking in circles around the house behind Charlotte as she pushes her baby in a shopping cart) that I haven't had much time to worry or stress about the process.  This cycle has just flown by and somehow, we're here on transfer eve. Requesting your warm thoughts & baby dust -- with any luck, we'll be a family of 4 soon.  :) I am missing Dr. TK and trusting that our new team is just as skilled... so hard when there's only so many chances. xo Mama Porch

I'm taking a moment tonight to reflect on how quickly 21 days passed right by, in a blur, seemingly forgettable at first glance.  Sunday morning I took my last birth control pill for my prep cycle.  Listen, talking about birth control feels weird and foreign.  I remembered to take it every single morning because that's when I take my other medications. I've been taking medication for anxiety and depression and have been thankful since feeling them start kicking in months ago.  Of course there are still rough days but I don't find myself caught spiraling through them like bath water down the drain.  Slow. Cyclonic.  This isn't going be a big magical post about depression and anxiety because let's face it, for as many folks out there are struggling with fertility, even more are struggling with mental health.  I did what I had to be the best wife to Porch and the best mama bear for my Charlie bug and I don't regret a single moment.  Actually, I regret

Today, I am thankful that through science, my humble heart knows what it means to be a mama. <3 My heart is with those who find themselves wishing for just one more moment with their babies (or perhaps just the chance to meet their baby). My heart aches for those who struggle with infertility & fear not being able to start/add to their family -- though the technology is (may be) available and it may be possible, the financial burden may be too great. <3 (<3) I am who I am because of the tribe that supports me. I am so thankful for this amazing group of women who have been active in my life and have brought me to this season of motherhood. My mother who has been a fearless and steadfast leader of our family. She loved me, regardless of those asshole years. ;) She has taught me what faith looks like in action. Charlotte is forever impacted by this incredible Nana. I've heard horror stories about mother-in-laws. I am so thankful that I don

Charlie helped Porch put down grass seed on the dead spots today. Previous owner went a little nutso with weed killer & essentially killed our lawn in a zig zag pattern.

"Wrap me like a bubito?" Wrap me like a burito? I am absolutely going to miss that sweet mix of baby voice and big kid language.

C: My just pooped. It's a boy. D: Your poop is a boy? C: Yeah. It's a boy like Dada. D: Well, congratulations! R: Wait, did she just make the equation that all boys are poop? #justanotherdayinparadise

Honestly, nothing sucks quite like having to go back to the ol' birth control after YEARS of being off it because you're TRYING to get pregnant.  It's a swift kick to the teeth as I attempt to prepare myself for this FET.  I'm trying to find ways to stay grounded, give myself grace, and not overthink, analyze... it's not easy.  I try to keep moving to keep from the brief pauses because in those moments of silence, I. Freak. Out. Plus side?  Our insurance covered this. I also picked up my Estradiol, which only set me back $15.  I can start taking this when my next cycle starts.  Then comes the progesterone!  Woooo! Timeline(ish) May 1 * Start bc May 21 * End bc start of new cycle, start Estradiol mid-cycle, progesterone begins The rest is kind of to be determined.  I need more labs done; I get to pee in a cup!  And we need to sign our transfer consent, but other than that, we're pretty much ready to go.  :) So I guess... stay tuned?  I know a few

The best little helper :) We are so excited to be done with some (seemingly) quick & easy changes to our half bathroom (aka The Poop Bathroom ).  We had bought a mirror and replaced the vanity top a few weeks back and I had a paint sample stuck on the wall and spent a ridiculous amount of time mulling this over.  "Nothing is permanent" so we went for it! Before: Everything about the fixtures and toilet just screamed out-dated We changed out the vanity top & found that mirror but wanted to finish! Progress (end of day Saturday): This is 2 wax rings ... should only have 1 We also found a Gatorade bottle with water in it in the tank of the toilet to reduce the water usage... Oh Linda...... Hot damn!!!  Look at that sexy toilet. After (mostly): Charlotte's feelings on not having full attention on her: "You no take my picture." In other news, we also decided to buy new windows for our

No news is good news, right? I'm patiently waiting for cycle day 1 so I can get the ball rolling but until then, I'm savoring every moment with my Charlie Bug who seems to have grown into a preschooler overnight. Xo Mama Porch

I usually love getting the mail.  Charlie & I walk to the mailbox together and peek inside.  She loves literally any mail, even the ads (especially the ads).  She is obsessed with checking the front porch for packages -- C:  Maybe we have packages? Me:  I don't know... probably not. C:  Maybeeeeeeee Today we got the mail and I kind of wanted to just leave this beast in there.    You know what? I'll take it.  It's better than $1000. Insurance is by far our biggest nightmare when it comes to this fertility stuff and yet I am forced to humbly remember that I am #blessed to have insurance that covers this for us as so many do not have that coverage.  The insurance has been my #1 complaint with this process.  I don't remember it being such an ordeal to get approval.  Actually, I remember it being fairly easy.  This time, I had to LEGIT prove that I had been trying to conceive before our fresh cycle IVF in 2013.  Yep, you read that right.  Porch is

We took Charlie to the park today to get out some energy in an effort to maximize her nap.  That being said, it's now 12:45 and she's still awake.  She DID eat some lunch and is just kind of on her last leg, but regardless -- she's still a w a k e. #wearallthebabies (even the fake ones) Pushing her baby in the bike apparently, this is how we roll now.  baby goes with us. sweet girl would have stayed in that swing all day long if we let her! We are so happy to live in an are with easy access to several parks!  Makes our time together super fun.  Can't wait for the warm weather to stick!  I'm dreaming of dinner dates on the deck with friends & family. xo Mama Porch

Welcome to Wisconsin, my darlings.  Porch and I drove to Northbrook this past Thursday to bring our 4 embabies (frozen embryos) to join us in Wisconsin where they will hopefully be transferred in the near future.  All things said and done, it was a pretty quick transition.  We drove to our new clinic to get the tank for transport and then headed to Northbrook to the lab and they put the embryos in for us.  We grabbed a quick lunch and then headed back.  I went to work while Porch took the tank back to the new clinic for storage. I feel we look pretty well-rested for parents of 5 under the age of 3.  ;) We're ready!   The long ride home So it was somewhat uneventful if you take out the emotional aspect... you know, of our family being in one state now... and the fact that this means we're 1 step closer to being ready to do a transfer.  ;)  Can you picture me with 5 kids?  Hahahahahaha, I thought I was a hot mess with ONE! xo Mama Porch