Los Porchs

We are approaching the one-year anniversary of when Ryan completed suicide. It brings a lot of emotions and feelings and memories and honestly - exhaustion. I have spent the last year in therapy digging myself out of a lot of those feelings and learning how to be Danie and not Porch and Danie. There have been a lot (!) of tears, a lot of me yelling at Ryan, cursing his name for leaving me to parent alone, a lot of wondering what comes next for the girl gang, a lot of rebuilding. But we're here. I'm here. And arguably stronger than ever (though not physically - listen, I eat my feelings and will work on that side of things later -- DO NOT SEND ME MLM BS ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT). I am much more aware of myself and the girls and more emotionally present than I've ever been. Those girls have been my light through some really dark shit. The seasons are changing. We are almost through our season of "firsts." And if you know, you know. If you don't, you're quite fort...

Hi, it's me - I know it's been a while, but I've been deep inside that bubble I mentioned when everything first happened in November 2020 and I am starting to emerge having done some serious healing and navigating within the trauma of being a suicide survivor and a sole parent. This has nothing to do with that though. I'm dumping this thought here because I need it documented: You know how the conservative crowd tends to use "Well I don't have any children, why should I help pay for the schools?" and "People are just too lazy to work, I don't know why we need social services to help people pay for their child care and food?" I'm noticing those are the same voices I hear in restaurants complaining that there are no servers. No bartenders. No one available to change their oil or to do other trade work. And no one to watch their children.  The CEO of the company I work for posted a big response about how child care is the gatekeeper to folks...

Everyone knows by now in our social circle and no one else really "cares" or "needs to know" but I feel like I still need this outlet because the one person I used to be able to talk things through with is no longer here. Porch passed away on November 6th and left a hole in our hearts and in our daily lives. The girls and I are doing the best we can to figure it out and find some kind, any kind of peace.  This feels ramble-y already but like I said, I have no one to sit on the couch with at night and chat with so... if you make it through this, I'm sorry. Suicide is such a bitch. I get it - I get mental health and will forever sing the praises for taking care of ones mental health and advocate for taking the steps (medication, therapy, etc) to live a healthy life. But I also get that sometimes, our demons cripple us. In a way that we just can't come back from. I have been describing this to C as daddy's brain being so sick that it couldn't hear his h...

BUT SO MUCH HARDER! When I was home with the girls, it was so so SO hard to have the two of them, wanting to give them both attention and keep a schedule together for C while I figured out V's rhythms. But at least we could go to the park to burn energy or to the zoo to have an adventure. It was hard, but we weren't isolated. My heart feels so much for the new mamas who find themselves in isolation, trying to figure it out without their complete support system and supportive environment. We love our family walks, but it's not the same as going over to nana and papa's for a pool date or going up to the cabin for a change of scenery. Instead, we are in a loop of days that look similar (which I guess is a good thing, we're developing new rhythms) to the point where they are all blended together. I no longer measure the passing of time by the work/home days but more so by if I'm getting a Class DoJo notification to have C work on homework. I've given mysel...

Facebook Messenger video chat is my new favorite way to send my child off into another room as she plays with filters and has a virtual playdate while I either nurse the baby down or work on grading homework. It's nothing short of magical. Kindergarten show & tell via Zoom is painful. Best enjoyed from another room. Violet's front tooth is comin' on down as the next contestant! It's broken the skin and on it's way down. Sad news though, the bottom two on the other side of the jack-o-lantern teeth (guys, i am admittedly not a dental professional) are ready to pop. ibuprofen is a big staple in our home and i am so glad i stocked up before being quarantined. cocktail hour started early today - 1:45pm charlie received a giant art kit and drawing paper from memaw & christi got a refund check for the portion of the cheerleading class that charlie is signed up for this season (they canceled the remainder). she didn't attend a single session so i'll ...

yesterday i neglected to mention that violet is teething like crazy and as a result, her sleep has been a touch needier than usual. just one look at those gums and i can't help but feel that i would do literally anything to make it suck less. alexa is probably sick of hearing charlie's requests (i know i am) charlie must be going through a growth spurt, right? why else would she suddenly be such a heathen that i literally do not recognize? yes, it's a pandemic and her life is weird, but this has been a whole new level of extra that i no longer consider appropriate. 

Day 2 of Danie's Quarantine: after charlie's 39th meltdown over not getting to use technology until homework is done, cocktail hour started at 3:30pm. today i discovered how much violet loves the "10 little ladybugs" book i showered and put on clothes that weren't pajamas but did not wash my hair (i mean, really). charlie & i baked the friendship bread that she got as a starter from a friend at school after a few days of taking care of the starter. charlie approves and thinks its delicious. i still have a bag of the starter if anyone wants in on this. feeding charlie every 2-3 hours seems key to avoiding the hangry meltdown, but the big feelings still came through this afternoon (see above). nana and papa sent over a painting activity that charlie really got into - she loved mixing the colors violet had her first pretzel rod & loved it, except for that first hit of salt she got -- wasn't a fan! violet took a kick-ass 2-hour nap this afternoo...

I just locked myself in my bedroom on a Friday night to pay bills in silence, if you're wondering how it's going over here. While we are most often doing swimmingly, there are moments of disbelief and frustration that result in a responsible adult making the decision to walk away slowly. C: I'm going to eat this plastic bag. R: Don't. C: I'm going to! I'm going to eat this plastic bag! D: Well, just so you know, if you do eat a plastic bag, you will probably choke and we'd most likely have to take you to the hospital where they may need to cut open your throat. And that just doesn't sound like a fun Friday. So how about you put the bag where it goes and I would love to play Monopoly Junior with you after dinner! And I'm sure daddy would like to join u-- C: No. D: What? C: He'll say no. D: How do you know that? C: I just do (she twirls out of the dining room and into the kitchen, still holding the aforementioned god damn plastic bag)....

Life as the parent of two tiny humans is a crazy kind of beautiful chaos that I am still learning to manage, for sure. However, every day, I am hit with a moment of pause in which I cannot believe that this is my life - that these two people call me mama and I get to have such a positive impact on their lives. Because it just wouldn't be me if I wasn't busy trying new things, I have taken on a new adventure (part-time) as an adjunct instructor at a local university teaching a course for the administrator credential for early childhood. I am presently attempting to put together a syllabus and organize the online course as we start Monday!  MONDAY! So excited to start this new adventure & be a positive role model for my girl! xo Danie

It's a great feeling when nothing fits and the ol' baby bump just kinda hangs out of my shirts. Guess it's going to be dresses to work for me from here on out... c'mon little sister!!

Waiting for little miss to join us earthside. I was at 3cm at my appointment on Monday and have had some contractions here and there but this little peanut is not done cookin' and has decided to hang out in utero just a bit longer. I won't lie, I'm ready. The reflux makes me want to cry as it makes me throw up at times. There isn't much room left in there for her as she continues to grow; the kicks and punches are now extra fun as her legs reach under my ribs. The doctor said she's measuring large; I have a third-trimester growth ultrasound scheduled for Thursday to see how big she actually is; I almost don't even want to know, but I do want to see that smushy baby. I am hopeful that I don't need the ultrasound (because I've had the baby) but know that it's best to let her continue to marinate... I won't rush her but I also won't be sad if she shows up tonight, just sayin'. Big sister is also very excited to meet the littlest homie. Charl...

I will never take for granted how long it took us to get to this point. I am 35 weeks pregnant and getting to a point of being so uncomfortable, I just want to deliver. Between the worst heartburn ever and feeling like baby is about to fall out of my uterus, I am inching towards the finish line. I feel like I'm actually crawling, on my hands and knees, just trying to get there with my sanity intact. I have never eaten so many Tums in my life nor taken so much Zantac, but I remember that this all passes once the baby arrives. Then we move into sleep deprivation and a vagina that feels like it's on fire after delivering a giant baby to the world. Though my friend recently just delivered a boy that was quite large via c-section and I was like...... wooahhhhh, no thanks. Charlie was almost 9 pounds when she was born and I'm hoping for something similar in nature this go-round. We went to the zoo for Mother's Day and I did a decent(ish) job of keeping up with the others an...

one of my favorite parts of this pregnancy has been charlie's excitement about it and the enthusiasm with which she greets the friday morning update about what size the baby is each week. i was so thankful that i got to be with her this friday morning so we could look at it together before we were apart for a minute. baby is the size of a butternut squash. i am currently 76 days from her due date and wondering if she'll be early like her sister or if she'll stay snuggled in there beyond her due date.  i am excited to watch charlie evolve in her role as big sister. being 4 is hard work and adding in big sister duty will be interesting to witness. i am already super proud of my big girl and can't wait to see my girls together. i have been awful with bump pictures this go 'round but here's what i've got at the moment. :) 28 weeks 28 weeks @ the beach

yesterday was eventful; after an evening and morning of cramping with spotting, i was advised to head to the emergency department for monitoring to make sure all is well with the littlest porch. it was a long time spent waiting but i got a sneak peek at the baby via ultrasound (making sure the placenta wasn't over the cervix) and holy moly you guys - that baby is gettin' BIG. i always picture this tiny little bean in the lowest part of my body but the ultrasound tech was way up on my belly - and there was baby! hanging out! heartbeat was wonderful at 138bpm and the little one was dancing around which was amazing to watch! our anatomy scan is in early february & i am so excited to find out who this not-so-little bean is & learn about the growth so far. we've started throwing around names (okay, i throw a name out there and watch porch's face for reaction) and thinking about what we will actually need for this kiddo. so far, all i've come up with is a crib (an...

i got a wusic heartrate monitor for christmas from my father-in-law & tried it right away. i felt like i heard the heartbeat but tonight after we wrestled charlie to sleep, i laid in bed and found it definitively. that little heart was BUMPIN! there was no confusing that with my own, it was very much the beating heart of my little nugget. tonight after i vacuumed the living room, i told porch it felt like baby was tucked away on the left side of my body, i could just feel a heaviness there and sure enough - that's where i found the little one! i think it's important to note that the directions clearly said best results after 16 weeks, which i just hit on friday. while i'm not feeling movement, i am very much aware of this kiddo's presence both in the new bump i'm rocking & just this heavy feeling on my left side. but hey - i think i'm done barfing! it's been several days now & i think i'm in the clear!! xo d

Although Charlotte is very excited about her new baby (who is being called Violet, which will be super awkward if we find out it's a boy), I worry that we're going through a developmental stage right now where she needs a lot of guidance and a lot of discipline; and I don't mean discipline like spanking, I mean it in the idea of helping her learn what's acceptable and what's not. This has never been an issue for us -- until she started 4K at the public school. Now there's a lot of talking back and potty talk and just general defiance. I don't expect her to be perfect, but I also don't expect my 4-year-old to lash out at me like she's a teenager. It's too much. So while I do not really 'do' New Year's resolutions, I do have a goal that I've been working on.  I'd like to minimalize our life so that the time I would typically spend cleaning or organizing can instead be spent with her. I've been on a really great purging bin...

Man, you guys. Remember when I was pregnant with Charlie and you got updates each week, posted on the first day with the week with pictures and information about changes and symptoms? Ha. Listen, to be fair, this kid has spent 11 weeks making me want to sleep and vomit so it's only fair that we have no record of this time.  I've been taking that B6 and Unisom and have been able to keep it together enough to function but definitely not bringing anything near what one would consider an A game. Maybe like a C game? B+ at the very best. So, let's start documenting this adventure. I won't lie - part of me is still terrified that if I post about this and get super excited, something will go wrong. I know my anti-anxiety medication is definitely helping me in this area but there's still that lingering fear and doubt. But today, I am VERY much pregnant. And it is the eve of the 11th week so I thought we better mark it with a post. 11 Weeks Symptoms: Vomit. All of the ...

Just rollin' right along with my littlest homie; had our first visit with my ob/gyn yesterday and everything looks unremarkably wonderfully "fine." Heart rate was at 160 bpm and this nugget currently the size of a cherry looked very gummy bearish to me. Also, did you know that ultrasound envy is a thing? It's not? Well, it should be - I have a mama at work who is 11 weeks and had ultrasounds done at her provider (different network) and they are amazing - 3D and breathtaking. Meanwhile, my kiddo legit looks like a lumpy ghost, but it's fine. Haha, I just never thought to be jealous of someone else's ultrasound. Anywho, off to another day in paradise at work now that I dropped off my biggest little homie. Just enough time to come home, get dressed, try to eat something, grab coffee for work and head out! My next class starts on Monday and I'm ready for it. Shoot. I never told you about that, did I? I started coursework through UW-Platteville for my Progr...

When I was pregnant with Charlie, I was sick very little. I knew my triggers and stayed clear. With this one... all bets seem to be off & I never know when the dry heaving will come on. While it's not technically severe (throwing up 3 times a day for 3 days), it's annoying and frustrating me as I have a job that doesn't really allow "sick days." What I really need is a mid-day nap but you guys, I am the world's worst napper. I will lay down for a quick nap and 4 hours later be rubbing my eyes, begging for more sleep. I am a BIG fan of sleep. Also of not throwing up. Hope you guys are doing well... it's not exactly the most exciting time because we don't have an updated ultrasound and haven't been seen by the regular ob yet but that day is quickly approaching.  My last shot & estradiol pills are Wednesday, November 22nd and I am PUMPED. Someday we'll be exciting and -- nope. I'll still be over here gagging and wishing for the 2nd t...

We've been quiet, that's for sure. I won't lie, it's because I am either throwing up -or- googling to see what's going on and finding out what's wrong with me and/or baby. Yes, I know better. No, I don't think I can actually stop. Not until I get another peek in there & can feel assured that everything is going well. Shouldn't I feel assured by this nausea and exhaustion? I would if those weren't also possible side effects of the medications I take until 10 weeks. But alas, here we are!