Los Porchs

I am feeling the stress of the holidays in such a weird way this year.  All of the gifts are wrapped (mostly, except one... and the one I got for Porch... and one that I bought for someone special), the house is "decorated" and we have been doing the traditional things like St. Nick, cutting down & decorating our tree, baking cookies, etc.  I am functioning like a normal, adult human being. But I am also feeling this feel. This hope. This joy. This concept that the best is yet to come, that perhaps there's more to be excited about in 2017.  Charlotte is an amazing kid who challenges me daily and is the perfect mix of passionate and compassionate.  She asked me today where my heartbeat was and I nearly responded that she was my heartbeat but paused for fear that our very concrete thinker would take that as fact.  2017 will (hopefully) be the year that we get to experience life as a family of 4.  And even if it's not, the hope for future attempts and knowing

I have been spending more and more time in our infant rooms at work and find that it's not painful anymore.  In fact, it's been encouraging to me and reinforcing how much I love young infants and miss the baby stages now that Charlotte is CLEARLY not a baby.  "My do MYself."  (Excuse me .) That being said, we're moving forward.  We made an appointment with an RE here in Milwaukee to figure out our next step with regards to getting our 4 embabies in Chicago here in Wisconsin with us and hope to do a transfer some time in the coming months.  Sadly, the first available appointment isn't until February so we have lots of time to reflect and get excited before we dive right back into the world of hormones, anxiety, and battles with insurance. We are embracing change and taking the leap.  :) I'm not sure how much or when we'll post updates about the process, but I hope to share our story openly.  I know I'll never have the surprise pregnancy and

I know I say every age is my "favorite age."  But I really love the 2's.  Sure, this girl is spirited (beyond all belief) but she is also experiencing explosions of language development, social emotional understanding, and cognitive gains.  Daily she throws several new words into the mix and is exploring with sentence structure.  I am in awe of how much learning and development happens in the first three years; sure, I went to school specifically to study this, but seeing it play out in real life is fascinating. A personal favorites? "Where my Danie?" "My Ryan pooping." "My need 'dis fruit snack." "My Papa Nana go to zooooooooo." "Where my Oompa?" It's all about "my" and "needing" things.  Every time she sees something and we label, she demands to know where hers is; this includes but is not limited to siblings ("where my sister?"), all kinds of food, lip gloss, bronzer, cont

3 years ago,  our life with infertility was a secret.  It was one of the most emotional days of my life.  Today, I cuddle my bug and remember the battle to get here, to this messy land of parenting.  I wouldn't trade it for anything. 3 years ago today, I walked into the surgical center at 900 N. Michigan with a bladder full of pee, a heart full of hope, and an empty uterus.  Not many folks can tell you the moment they became pregnant and for as sad and empty as infertility can feel, it was magical to see that "firework" on the ultrasound.  I'm kidding - I could barely even see it, even with the good Dr. TK pointing directly at the screen.  It was pretty cool to know that I was PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise) and walked out of that sterile environment with a new mix of hope and anxiety and this ultrasound that was signed by Dr. TK with "GL."  When I asked him what that meant, he looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Good luck, of course."

We were excited to convert Charlotte's crib into a toddler bed, thinking the freedom to move a little more would be enough, but it resulted in her falling out of bed, sleeping pretty much standing against her bed, and ending up in our bed every single night.  Every night, guys.  I'm down with some cuddling, but when this tiny person was up at 4:00am, I was not thrilled. So tonight, we did the final conversion of her bed and she is now sleeping in her full-sized bed.  Skipped the twin business (this girl sleeps like a starfish).  Her crib was meant to convert right to this bigger size so we rolled with it.  I ordered some railings from Amazon and we popped them on! I won't lie.  Charlie has been under the weather and sleep is like a distant memory.  It took forever to get her to go to bed tonight, which was frustrating because she was up at 4am and stayed up (!) until 2:00pm -- and then managed to only get a 90 minute nap. I'm exhausted for her. She was very excite

Yep.  I'm basic.  And I made basic play dough for my basic two-year-old.  Because if you can't celebrate the seasons out loud, what's the point? I did some research (thanks, Pinterest) and went with this recipe because it's quick and easy.  And it smells amazing.  We didn't add any color to it and it's a pretty nice light brown that smells just like pie.  Charlie has been enjoying it.  I like that it's soft and doesn't have that Playdoh smell.  And I like the natural coloring as opposed to neon pink. Our house is filled with all things pumpkin spice and we are happy to live in an area that affords us four gorgeous seasons to enjoy and celebrate.   We still need to get over to the pumpkin patch... maybe next weekend.  October has just kind of gotten away from us. xo Mama Porch

When a well-meaning parent at the center tells you, on your 33rd birthday, that it's time to have another kid because yours is now two. Yep. Gonna need that glass of wine. Xo

You guys are amazing.  I love how many of you reached out after my last post to check in and learn more about our plans and just to share how the post impacted you.  You're the best.  For real. xo  I also didn't expect that post to pull so many readers into our loop, but if you're here because you read one of those last few posts, welcome to the shit show. I realized that there's something holding me back from being ready for the FET (frozen embryo transfer) and it's something bigger than I expected:  fear.  It's hard to be brave and prepare yourself for the unknown.  Infertility comes with baggage and it's not just the physical (ask anyone who has endured the injections)... the emotional baggage is legit and it far exceeds carry-on regulations. See what I did there?  GAWD I'm so punny -- I totally get it from my mother, so please don't judge me. It's the kind of baggage that leaves you shell-shocked and drained.  Our great fortune was findin

Yo.  I love, love, love that you know somebody who knows somebody who got pregnant naturally after doing IVF.  Yep.  It can sure happen.  But it's also not something us infertile folk want to hear about, especially delivered with that ''pull yourself up and just keep swimming" tone.  Did I stutter when I said less than 1%?  I thought it was pretty clear. I know that it can happen.  Our bodies are amazing AMAZING vessels and I appreciate mine so very much for all that it has done for me -- I get it.  It overcame incredible obstacles and grew the most perfect baby. It's just hard to hear you present those stories as a source of support/encouragement.  You're literally telling me to bank on that <1% chance.  How about we let the science do it's thang?  I've got 4 embabies.  And I'll be honest, a natural pregnancy would be a very welcome surprise and we would be over the moon, but I guarantee that then you'd have to listen to me reflect about

I thought it would get easier.  When we started our journey, I just wanted to get past that label of infertility and have our baby and life would be perfect.  It's not perfect.  It's amazingly and deliriously imperfect and I love everything about my cheeky monkey.  Somehow though, after jumping through all of those hoops and hitting rock bottom and climbing back up, that label has stuck.  The monthly moment of despair as we realize not only are we not pregnant, we were foolish to think we could have been. Baby showers also don't get easier.  If anything, I think it's gotten harder.  I now know the excitement and anticipation of waiting for your tiny human to arrive.  I have gotten drunk on the smell of fresh diapers and Dreft laundry detergent.  I know the joy of wearing that tiny person around.  I know what I'm missing out on.  But I know how ecstatic this new mom is as well and I remind myself that we don't know everyone's full story and maybe the family

A two year old in a recently transformed toddler bed has made me jumpy... I never know when this small person will come sauntering  (or sprinting) down the hallway in the soft glow of the nightlight. And God help me if I don't hear or see her coming and open my eyes to her face immediately in front of mine. The heart is still pumping... thanks, Bug. But seriously, did you watch the first episode of the new season of American Horror Story tonight? We caught the encore and I'm intrigued to see the story unfold. I'm also still finishing Freak Show on Netflix so I'm getting a nice AHS fix this fall! Xo

When we moved out to the burbs, I knew it would be different.  I knew it was the kiss of death to my Grubhub account.  I think this was a progression that obviously began the moment we agreed it was time to leave Chicago & we mourned the loss of the walkability we loved about our neighborhood. I'm sitting in my kitchen, listening to my husband mow the lawn, with a two-year-old on my lap as she doodles in her notebook.  The only thing really missing from this scene is a minivan in the driveway (and let's face it, we're just another baby away from that reality) -- and maybe more coffee. There's something amok with this kid today and I can't quite put my finger on it.  She's either sick (I've noticed her put her finger in her ear a time or two) or she's going through some separation stuff.  I dunno but I don't like it.  She refuses to be put down and needs to be thisclose to me at all times.  ALL TIMES.  I have been wearing her in the Tula for m

After feeling super gross, sluggish, and exhausted all day every day, I accepted the challenge from one of my dear friends who is a BeachBody Coach.  I ordered the 21 Day Fix challenge pack and felt every emotion when the box arrived at the house.  Totally overwhelmed, but knowing I had to start soon or I'd have a box of 21 Day Fix paraphernalia laying in a corner, I jumped in, feet first on Monday. At the end of the first day, I wanted to crawl into bed and just sleep forever.  I had a headache from hell that made work impossible and home with toddler a nightmare.  I struggled through and did the damn workout before crashing into bed. The second day, I had the brilliant thought to add coffee to my protein shake in the morning.  I was a totally different person that day, you guys.  I had been needing that caffeine!  Since then, I've used coffee in the shake every morning and have been pleased with that addition to my routine.  On the weekends, I've been experimenting wi

In my years within early childhood, I have had many people (family included) tell me that I just couldn't understand, that it was so different when it would be my own child someday. I've already conceded that this is true.  Changing diapers when it's my kid is a breeze.  Puke is disgusting, but less disgusting when it's my kid.  Everything is easier -- I agree. But today I had a moment of reflection as a I helped a 5 year old with some sensory issues in the bathroom.  He had an accident while on the playground and came inside with me to clean up.  I turned around to grab some extra wipes from the cabinet and before I knew it -- poop.  Everywhere.  On his body.  Like he had massaged his lower half with poop.  I kicked into mom mode and spoke softly, calmly, and helped him clean up and move on -- like I would want someone to do with my kiddo. It is different when it's your own kid, but how you look at other people's children also changes.  I'm so thankfu

Progress can look different depending on what one is pursuing... right?  For example, progress downstairs right now means that I tore all of the wallpaper off in a fit of joy and am now in the slow (s l o w) process of going back and removing all of the glue from the walls.  Upstairs, progress means getting all of the boxes out of the rooms and spaces set up with intended purposes... we currently have 3 bedrooms with beds in them and 1 set up as a semi-official office.  In fact, tonight's progress looks like me carrying a dining room chair upstairs to the desk so that I can sit here at type a quick update while Charlie takes her bath (Daddy is the King of the Baths). It's really hard to remember to be patient, that this is a forever home and there will be growing pains and changes and that this house will ultimately grow and change with us.  We are using the 4th bedroom as an office because I need my sanity and somewhere to doodle and read and blog and feel like a human, but

There is so much going on in my life right now that I feel like I'm holding onto things... afraid to let go.  Prime example, there's an empty bedroom upstairs that would/could become the nursery if/when we have another baby.  It pains me to move office furniture in there to make an office that I am super excited to have because it means there's no baby in our immediate plans.  We have so much space in this house that it feels like a constant reminder that someone is missing.  Our family is not complete but I have no idea how much struggle it will take to rectify that feeling. On the same note, I used to run.  I know.  Let that wash over you.  Long, long ago (2013) in a far away place called Chicago, Porch and I started running at Chase Park after work.  I was using a Couch to 5K program and just kind of chugged along while he did his workout.  I loved it.  I craved it.  And then, just as I was thisclose to finishing the last week, I had to stop running to do IVF.  Let me

We survived and are currently up to our eyeballs in boxes while looking at each other and debating what we need and what we can get rid of -- again.  We purged before the move but I think we're headed for another round.  Overall, we have way more space than we know what to do with -- we have several empty rooms including 1 bedroom, 1 living room, the dining room, and the entire basement. We did a walk through this afternoon and are headed to Home Depot to pick up some items to make immediate changes while we marinate on some of our bigger ideas. Charlie is doing awesome & seems to love her big bedroom with her favorite toys easily accessed! Pictures are coming soon, I promise.  I just have to find my camera ;) Mama Porch

Man, I wish I was up north at the cabin day drinking on the lake rather than here, day drinking while packing in bursts between naps & sleep.  We're loving that we're home for the long weekend and that the weather has been playing nice.  I'm just overwhelmed as I try to figure out what to keep, what to trash, and what to take to Goodwill.  I've been following that whole "if you touch it and it brings you joy" crap, but it just makes me feel like Dorothy in Return to Oz.  Haven't seen it?  I'll lend it to you.  It's a grown-up return trip to Oz (don't let your kids watch it until you do). I'm so SO excited to have space, but today I found myself saying out loud, "It's going to be 3 people in a 4 bedroom house."  Excessive.  And another reminder that we're a family of three. -- Porch just came upstairs with a bag of remaining syringes and drugs and I wanted to die.  Just melt into the floor.  He's still talking a

Porch and I are no strangers to moving.  Since we moved in together in 2008, we've seen some things.  Like the time we moved into our first apartment together in the West Loop and he had the mattress on top of his LR3 and went through a red light.  Did you know Chicago has red light cameras?  Not only will they send you the ticket for going through said red light, they'll throw in free video footage of your vehicle going through -- with a mattress on top.  There was really no fighting that. Or the time we moved out of that apartment to a place 2 blocks over and the landlord kept the security deposit because of a chip in the granite that no one but her could seem to locate? Or when we decided it was time to move to a place where we could "raise someone" and in the course of moving, had at least two boxes open and spill their contents in the middle of Malden? We have experience a lot of moving.  We've learned some tricks along the way. Moving to Wisconsin wa

We're in the throes of financing our new home and getting things lined up so that we can get a closing date and make plans to move forward with our big change.  We decided to do a  homestyle conventional loan that will allow us to wrap some of the renovations into our loan.  This house has amazing bones but is in need of some serious love in the form of updating and change.  I think I'm feeling more anxious about it because we've only been in the house twice and we're making these big plans.  I wish I could stand in the middle of the home and better understand the feel, the flow... I want to listen to what it needs and make a plan of things that we can do ourselves.  But someone is living there currently and it just isn't possible. We have a pretty limited budget so there will be lots of posts about our projects and lessons learned.  I have no doubt that our Google search histories are about to be all about "how to..." and that we'll be learning a lo

Porch, Charlotte, and I are excited to share that we are moving!  If you follow us on Facebook, you know that we put our house up for sale on Thursday.  By Saturday afternoon, we had 3 offers on the table and we accepted!  I can't even begin to express our shock, our joy, our excitement, and our nervousness about the months ahead. We put an offer on a house closer to my new job as Charlie attends the center and being closer means that Porch can drop her off on my early shift (6am-3pm) and pick her up on my late shift (9:30-6:30pm) so Charlie isn't spending all of her waking hours in child care.  We're ridiculously excited, yet cautious. The new house has 4 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms and is begging for a series of updates.  There are a number of projects that await us but we're so excited to call this new place home and to make it into something that's truly ours.  A home we can grow into.  A home we can share with our family over the years and create traditions in.

Charlotte isn't a morning person either.  She doesn't quite have my love for sleep (there's still time), but she is certain that 5:30am is for the birds. Today was our first opening shift, a shift we rotate to every other day.  It was hard on me:  I hit snooze 3 times and then sprang out of bed thinking it was like 7am and I was going to be fired.  It was 5:11.  I had myself together and the car running (it's still pretty cold here at night, which I consider 5:30am to be) by 5:30am so I ran inside, put socks on Charlotte and swooped her up in a blanket and out the door we went.  She either slept or stared sleepily out the window the entire 15 minute drive (this is where I'm actually kind of missing the 30 minute drive as it made for great cat nap material).  I rolled through the Starbucks drive-through (thank you, Starbucks) and was in the parking lot of the center by 5:50am.  Not too bad, right?!  I took Charlie inside as she was now awake and talking to me.

Today was a very, very long day for Ms. Charlotte as she started a new school.  We had spent 3 days last week visiting so she would be familiar with faces and the environment, but she was still an exhausted hot mess when I walked past her room around 5:20pm and I just couldn't ignore the crying -- I had to go in and acknowledge what a long day she had been having and that her Daddy would be there soon to pick her up.  Luckily, Porch walked in the door just a few minutes later.  She was a sobbing, screaming puddle of toddler as he walked out of the door with her and without me & she realized I was staying behind (I worked until 6:30 tonight). Thankfully, I am right there and know that she had an awesome first day.  She was apprehensive and cried a few times, but all things considered (she's 19 months, hasn't been away from me since December (seriously), and was exhausted going into the day) -- she rocked it.  Transitions and change are hard for toddlers and adults alik

I gave up my Facebook account (sans Messenger) for the Lent season so I could give my head and my heart a mental health break.  Facebook is a dangerous beast; we forget that folks selectively post the moments they share and it's easy to fall into a jealous slump when it appears others have their shit together and you're over here not even sure where all of your shit is, much less how to get it together in an adult-like fashion.  This break has been great for that. What it's not great for is missing those big moments in people's lives that I would otherwise have stalked read about by now.  Weddings have taken place, pregnancies undoubtedly have been announced (sigh), babies have been born, and loved ones (others' loved ones, not my own, I like to think I wouldn't hear of such losses via Facebook) have been lost without my knowledge.  It caught me off guard when I learned some of these things this past weekend.  I found out about them through Instagram which fe

It's no secret that I've been loving the SAHM life since December but my student loans & credit card debt demand that I make a return to my role as a working mama. That's not to say I won't be able to return to this gig later in life (no, I am not pregnant). This is a disclaimer I feel I have to include in all posts that in any way suggest I may be expecting.   Thank goodness for daylight savings! It'll still be light out when we get home from school most nights! And we'll still have time for walks when we get home! I think I'm going to miss our morning walks the most. Charlie and I have enjoyed going to school together every day since she was 6 weeks old. Sure, she's been on the bench for a few months,  but I'm sure she's more than ready to get back into the game. It's me.  Guys, I'm just so anxious. Always. I worry the days will be too long,  that she'll be hungry, that she won't be as loved up on at sch

Huzzah. I once engaged an entire preschool class for our entire 40 minute outside time with 3 simple resources: 1. Paintbrush 2. Cup or bucket 3. Water Go nuts, kid. They spent the whole time "painting" the playground, marveling at how it made things so clean and sparkly. I figured I had nothing to lose and decided to give it the old toddler try.  Charlotte loved it. She especially liked using it over her chalk art. And I was all like... damn. That's an awesome unexpected teachable moment. Chalk is a pretty great medium. In short, we spent most of our day outside blowing bubbles and painting everything with water. That Wisconsin spring is legit! We hit 70 degrees today! Woot woot. With all that fresh air means early bedtime for Mama. I am exhausted! Xo Mama Porch

I shaved my legs for this? After I got out of the shower, mah legs felt so smooth and ready for fun dresses!  Then I looked out of the window and was reminded that it's still very much leggings weather.  Womp womp.  But hey, it's good to know that when shorts-season is finally upon us, my legs will be ready. Part of the Influenster Glam VoxBox I got included the Venus Razors and Venus with a touch of Olay Vanilla Cashmere Shave Gel (the perfect size for our travels).  I have always loved the Venus brand and remember when they first came onto the scene!  I love how close of a shave I get with the Venus razor and wouldn't hesitate to recommend them to you; I swear by them.  It's pretty convenient that when you find a handle that works well for you, you can just pop off the razor and replace that part.  I used the same handle for many years and just recently upgraded to the one that has a ball in it.  The grip on the handle makes it easy to hold and move around those

Being unemployed has given me time to enjoy my daughter in a way most working parents don't often encounter.  It has felt like an extension of maternity leave but rather than a crying infant whom I barely know, I have this energetic toddler who clings to my leg and now freely leans in to give me sloppy kisses (or melts her entire being on the floor when offering a tantrum).  This time has been frustrating, exhausting, and yet totally amazing. I've been interviewing for jobs and enjoying the chance to reflect deeply on what I'd like to do next.  I wasn't sure where my train was headed next and I even considered going back into the classroom as an infant teacher as the "easy" solution.  Nothing about being an infant teacher is easy.  And I'm not sure I could work in an environment where I don't have the authority to be an agent of change. I like being a leader.  I love working with teachers to help them grow as professionals.  There's nothing I l

Porch and I both went to college at UW-Platteville and we both spent time in Dubuque in our free time.  Dubuque was about 30 minutes from campus and had the closest mall.  We have friends who now live in the area and have a daughter about the same age as Charlotte.  We went to visit them this past weekend and we took the girls to the Dubuque Aquarium for an afternoon of fun & discovery. This aquarium was just the right size to allow for an afternoon visit and included an awesome outdoor area that would be a perfect opportunity for warmer weather visits.  The girls are such a fun age where we can explore and they interact with the exhibits.  "Oh WOW" was heard a few times from Ms. Charlie. Not only was she into it, she asked for MORE SNAKE. #notmykid Okay, maybe she is mine ;) We had a great time and I'd recommend a visit to anyone with a toddler (or older, obviously).  The Sherlock Holmes exhibit upstairs was a b